My Story

I guess i could start off with i was born and raised in America. I was raised into a Christian family and it was always pushed down my throat. I have been insecure since the day i can remember. It has always haunted me. 

When i was 13. I was very naive like all young teens. I met a guy and thought i was in love. But you know how could i know what love was? And truthfully i didn't. I just knew people wanted it, people enjoyed it, and people did anything for it. He was about 3 years older than me. It started out well, he treated me nice, told me i was beautiful, that he could never find girl like me. He'd talk about our wedding, our home, our kids, everything. He made me think he was really into me and he told me he loved me. Well soon after he would tell me if you love me you'll send me pictures, if you love me you'll do this and that for me. Of course i did it, i didn't know any better. Well i'd do it. Then he'd leave me. He'd leave me, tell me i was fat, i was ugly and that no one could really love me. He repeated this for months. Coming back, treating me so nicely, than leaving with a bang. He always left me for another girl. This was when i started to self-harm. I honestly don't even remember. I was 13, how the hell did i know what that was? I do remember using scissors. I did it a few times, it stung and then i'd stop. He'd come back then he'd leave and i'd cut. Vicious cycle. I soon after stopped. 

A few years later i met my boyfriend of almost two years. So innocent it seemed. I was 15, him 18. I was a freshman and he was a senior. We met 9th period, i had photography class and he always worked on his pottery. It was so absolutely perfect. At first. We would go out to eat, stay up late on the phone, he treated me oh so good. I truthfully don't know where we went wrong. I think it all started when he lied to me about smoking. I'm not a fan of cigarette's. I couldn't trust him. Soon our relationship just went to ashes. We constantly fought, we always were in and out of the relationship but back together within days. When he would drink, he was a different person. I hated him when he was drunk. He pushed me against a door once because he was so angry at me because i saw him smoking a cigarette when he told me he had quit. As the relationship progressed it got worse. When i wouldn't have sex with him he made me feel so worthless, he would get so angry and he'd make me feel bad and tell me how i didn't love him and i didn't appreciate him. He wouldn't take me out places because he didn't want to spend his money on me. He called me all the names in the book. Told me i would be a whore without him, that if ever broke it off all i would be was a slut, that i wasn't pretty enough, that i was fat and that i was too dumb for anyone to love. 

Creation 2011. I met a guy while i was still dating the man above. I was so dumbfounded. I felt very guilty for hanging out with another guy but it felt so good. It felt so good for a stranger to be interested in me, for a stranger to tell me how beautiful, how funny, how kind, how caring, and how much i meant to him, a stranger. I broke up with my ex that night. I gave him no explanation, hours away i broke it off. I blocked him from my life, i chose to leave him and that day i will never forget. It was the hardest thing i had to do, but i had too. 

Back to summer 2011. Creation Festival. I met the one and only. The man who saved me from my torture. I was absolutely in love with him from the moment i saw him, from the moment he passed me, from the moment that he took his hand told me to come over to him, and from the moment he grabbed my hand and told me he loved me, i have been absolutely completely stunned by him. I could go on and on about how he made me feel like i was the only person in the world surrounded by 1,000 others but i'll keep going. Anyway, the week ended. We separated and promised we would never leave one another, that we were meant to be. He is 3 hours away from me. Just like every other guy in my life. He left. He stopped talking to me for months. One day he texted me and tells me how he misses me and he is so sorry for not texting me that he wanted to try to break it off and he thought that was the easiest way. He didn't think it would work, me and him, 3 hours away. I did of course. But he came back and i thought he'd stay. But once again he left, and would come back. He would tell me 'baby if you want me to be faithful you have to send me this, you have to talk like this'. Why i let him walk all over me, you tell me. I have no idea. But he will never love me back. We stopped talking for a few months again. 

Somewhere in between all of the chaos, was my best friend. She was the world to me. I told her basically everything. I've known her since 6th or 7th grade. She knows everything that ever went on with my relationships. She always saw how my ex's treated me and told me all the time to leave them but i never thought i could, never thought i was strong enough. But i did eventually or they'd leave me. Long story short with this one, i was talking to one of her guy friends that i had no idea she liked because she never told me. He started talking to me first and all of the sudden she texted me one day and told me not to talk to him anymore. So i asked why and she told me because he deserved better than me. He deserved better than a used whore. At that time i really wasn't i only had sex with one person.  

I mean the guy i spent a year of my life with thought i was a whore, my best friend thought i was slut so who cares because my whole world thinks i am. So i mine as well not care anymore, right? I was looking for someone to love me, i admit i looked in all the wrong places. All i really wanted was for someone to see me for everything that i am. But that never happened. This is hard for me to admit but i will. I would have sex with guy i thought i cared about and i thought cared about me. I thought 'maybe if i just have sex with them, they'll love me'...well that never happened. They all left, they all didn't care and they all left me with another memory that i was a worthless failure. 

December 31, 2011. Changed my life forever. I lied to my parents to get out of the house so i could go party like normal with who i thought was my best friend. Well my parents finally allowed me to "sleepover" my friends. She picked me up and we hung out until the New Years ball dropped. Then the fateful decision i made will have impacted my life, forever. We went to a good friends house party. We had drank before we even arrived and i was very intoxicated. We drank some more as we got there. Nothing new, everything seemed normal. Until my best friend asked me to go upstairs and get her jacket where we had dropped them off before. At this time, i was extremely under the influence. I could barely walk up the stairs, i was stumbling everywhere i went and i was in and out of consciousness. But anyway, i started walking up the stairs and i finally got to the top, where i was met by two of my pretty close guy friends. I've known them for years. I used to have a crush on the one. They took me from the corner and dragged me into a bedroom. They threw me on the bed, took of my clothes and forced me to have sex with each of them. I can still feel there grimy hands on me. I couldn't do anything, i was in such shock i didn't even know what to do. I was so drunk, the memory that haunts me is me laying there just crying and begging them to stop. After they were finished with me. They left. I layed there, just crying. My best guy friend came upstairs looking for me, and begged me to tell him what happened, he kept asking 'Did they hurt you? Alexis tell me'. I never answered.  He helped me put on my clothes and walked me in the bathroom, where i threw up and i had to put bandages on my bleeding body.

The next few days my body ached. The pain was  still there physically and it will always be there mentally. When i told my sister what happened, she told me 'That's what happens when you get to drunk. Bad things happen.' and she walked away. When my other sister found out 'I had a similar thing happen to me, but i kicked him away and i ran.' When my school found out, they thought it was consensual because that's what the boys told people of course. But i was a classified as a whore, and that i fucking deserved to be talked about like i was. Once it got out that i actually was raped i will NEVER forget what some people said. "I was just looking for attention, that i'm just a slut who doesn't want to admit it, that even if i was raped i deserved it because i was at a party." My best friend who was at that party and sat in the bathroom with me while i cried even denied it. She told people it was possible i just had sex with them and that you don't think those guys would do that. I soon after left that school, i couldn't stand seeing the guys that caused my pain, and the people who encouraged it. 

I started cutting again mid-January. It started out small, with scissors. It later progressed to razors. I have hundreds of cuts. I cut on my upper and lower arm. My stomach. My thighs. It is my getaway. It is the only thing that reminds me i am alive. Cutting brings me comfort in my hectic depressed suicidal life. I've attempted suicide multiple times. All failures, obviously. I also frequently try to starve my self or purge when i feel the need. I wish i didn't do these things, but it's the only way i know how to cope. Sometimes its the only way to remind myself that while i feel dead, im still alive. 

With all that said, there's my story. I'm sure i forgot somethings but if you ever want to talk just message me. I'm still fighting and I'm still surviving.

(Written February 2012)

It feels good to be happy...

Had a sleepover with the bestie's on Saturday. And i mean bestie's not backstabbing bitches who judge me. Bought me some sexy lingerie, im excited for Friday so i can actually show it off. I love surprises. But anyway i feel really really good, i have genuine friends that care about me and would do so much for me and vice versa. Bryan makes me really really happy even though my thoughts get the best of me sometimes i know that he really likes me and that makes me have butterflies inside. Although im not going to lie im not going to rush into this, im going to keep my options open. Just talk to a lot of people and see where things go and enjoy single life again.

Well thats all for now. Gotta go workout again.

No one can erase these memories

For some odd reason i just feel like crying. I feel like its been awhile and for some reason i can't sway myself away from the slow music that brings memories rushing back. Memories of the lonely nights, the sorrow... the pain. The nights where'd jolt out of my sleep because i was having a nightmare or i thought someone was in my room. The nights where i didn't sleep at all or i had to cry myself to sleep because i was so scared someone was going to come back and hurt me... again. Do you know what its like when some of your closest friends, just take something from you. They don't even ask, they just assume. I'm not just talking about a pencil, i'm talking about something that was once one of the most precious things in the world to a young christian girl. Yes, i admit sex wasn't that precious to me at one point in my life and i'll admit i still think its something sacred but it sucks when your friends just take the freedom from you. December 31, will be a year. I'm still sad about it. They say its something you'll never forget, i never used to believe them. But i do now. I used to close my eyes and hope that when i opened them I'd either be dead or i wouldn't have a recollection of that night. I don't care what anybody says no one deserves to be raped, no matter what situation, no matter what circumstances, no one deserves that life long memory and pain. To this day it hurts me to say the word rape and i used to so openly joke about. Days can go buy without my feeling a thing but there's always something that triggers these feelings and honestly tonight i'm not sure what it is. I just feel alone and unsure about life.. And its getting to me.

Just some thoughts

Who would've known i'd feel like this. Caught me a year or two ago i wouldn't have given two shits about God. But over a few months I've come to realize God has been my savior all along and He and only Him has saved me from my torture. He has brought me through my hard times and i would be no where without the love of my heavenly Father. Therefore that is why i want everyone i know to know God and his love. He has saved me from every possible thing i could imagine and he will always be there for you no matter how far away you feel. "Just ask and you shall receive." To me, if you are a good person, what is so wrong and so horrible about just adding to that. Doing the work of God, his son sacrificed himself for us, for our sins. So that we could have everlasting life in heaven with Him and his Father. Why would you not want to spread that love? A love so deep and so pure, so precious. God would sacrifice his flesh and blood for us. He wants us to be happy, he gives us freedom a choice. Yes we don't have to choose him, we don't have to follow him. He gives us a choice because he loves us. But with that choice comes a consequence  You don't choose God, Jesus, than you choose Satan. There is no in between. To me, following God isn't this huge burden. He won't strike you dead or send you straight to Hell for making mistakes for not following everything in the Bible. He knows humans aren't perfect and that we make mistakes. But the whole point is to ask for forgiveness because he will forgive us and take away our burdens.  I make mistakes every day of my life. I'm not way near perfect or an image of Jesus. I curse, have sex and occasionally will do illegal acts. But you know what i'm still learning and i'm still in my walk with God, I admit i have a far way to go but at least i'm trying.

Let me spill it out for ya...

I have honestly never been so furious in my life. I try not to hate people but sometimes i just can't help it. My anger gets the best of me and my bitch comes out. I honestly don't know what to believe right now, i love you with all my heart but you cheating on me is the worst fear i have about our relationship. Yeah before you said there is no evidence to prove you ever have done or would cheat on me but after seeing a few of those texts from "tool" you don't have me so convinced. There is something about her that just pulls my buttons more than anything and I've hated people before and i can honestly say she is on my top list. I do not want to be humiliated and nonetheless by that bitch. God i am fuming right now i could honestly punch a wall...

what to do...

I don't know why i am so unexplainbly  sad and depressed today. Everything is rushing back, every feeling of abandonment, loneliness, failure, loser, not good enough... every guy thats broken my heart is just running through my mind, every inch of pain they caused me is just screaming at me and right now the only way i know how to deal with that kind of pain is through a razor blade. And i want it so bad.

Looking back...

Today are my senior portraits. Its weird cause im the photographer and im gunna be the one posing haha i hope i can. But looking back and thinking of this day its bittersweet. I wont be handing out photos to all my teachers or to all friends at school. Cause i dont have any of that. It really sucks. I really try hard to say im strong and dont miss high school but i do and i always knew from a long time ago i would miss high school but not because of these circumstances. Life fuckin sucks sometimes, but im not letting anything bring me down today. Im going to be feel like a beautiful skinny quirky girl today. Peace kimo sabe.

Got me thinking

Ronan << worth listening to, most touching song ever

Well if my boyfriends doing this again, i mine as well try too as well.

I know im not a mother but my heart is and honestly my love and prayers go out to every mother who's had to watch their child die. I can only imagine the pain that is and i pray i will never know of it. To hold the child you gave birth to in your arms and telling them goodbye and trying to not be sad and scared, trying to be brave for them. I just dont know how some mothers do it, you are brave women. Why God lets thing happen, nobodies really sure, but if theirs one thing I've learned as that everything really does happen for a reason. And if theirs something else i've learned is that Jesus isn't the ruler of this world, the devil is and im fully convinced thats why bad things happened and also just because we as humans sin and with sin comes consequences. But with that said God will never let something happen that we can't handle. I've learned many things over the years and through the trials i have to say there is something i still don't understand but i know someday i will and someday i will be able to use the things that caused me pain and desperation will be used for good and to help others who may be going through the same situation. Its not always easy, losing a loved one, having something or someone for that matter being taken away so soon or maybe just being dealt a wrong hand of cards but all in all i have faith that God will make it all right and sometimes i will admit it is really really hard for me to believe in God and believe he is their for me. But i have to do it. I always used to say (in my stubborn, "i dont care" years) that i made it out myself, the trials, i made it out on my own. But i do realize that i would've never made it out if it wasnt for the love God has for me and his children. Its a great love that can't be expressed. You know sometimes when i think about i realize i never really have cried to anyone about what happened to me, its really hard because its really really hard for me to believe God was there for me. But as i see it, God turns his head when he choose wrong, and i chose wrong that night. It hurts. But i know God was there, i do. I just havent fully  trusted God with my life and i know someday i will have to do that. I know im a stubborn girl and eventually i will have to hand it all over and say "take the reigns". No matter what trials i go through i thank you for being there for me even when i thought you weren't.

Welp that was a jumbled mess, but whatever.

I cry in silence

I think im done. I'm sick and tired of not being good enough for you. I feel like nothing to you, absolutely nothing. I feel you forget me. I'm crying every night, for what? You don't hear me and you don't care because you do nothing about it. It hurts like fucking shit. This. I just want a chance but im not even worth it. Im just a depressed fuck who cuts away her feelings. I just don't understand, i really really don't. Why don't i deserve love? Murders and rapists get love and i get nothing. I'm starting to wonder why im here again, why i'm even here because i feel nothing but loneliness and being worthless. I just wish someone would prove to me that im worth being here, worth being alive. Cause sometimes i just don't even think anybody feels that way or even thinks about it. I just wanna cut cut cut cut cut but people are starting to ask about my scars at work and why i wear band aids and im running out of excuses. This is just too unbearable right now. The thought of you and not ever choosing me. Im just a big FAT loser, im pathetic. I feel empty, cold and numb but no one wants to save me. Im just falling back into my black hole, i'm letting my monster come back. I feel worthless, no one wants me and that kills me inside.

Stupid me...

As long the song goes, Ya know what hurts the most? Being so close then watching you walk away.
Does anybody else wonder if life's even worth it? I mean i'm not gunna lie im not in a horrible mood right now but there is always one thing running through my mind. How i'm not good enough for the person i love. That they can't make the decision to be with me. How any person in their right mind would've walked away by now and realized they dont deserve you but maybe im the one that doesnt deserve them and im supposed to just sit here and wait and hope they think i am good enough...

I basically just want to ball my eyes out thinking of how much i want you.

I have this scar on me. From when i was so angry at myself for letting myself fall for you and i thought i was going to lose you, so i made sure i was always reminded of how stupid i was. Therefore i put the word 'stupid' into my leg... how stupid.

Pondering thoughts...

Sometimes i wish i was as pretty as the photographs i take...

Maybe some of us are too broken to be fixed

I often feel like i don't deserve to be loved and happy but then the next day or moment i'll be asking so much from someone. To love me, to break up with a girlfriend, to forget distance, to forget my past or just love me in general. I don't know if that makes me a hypocrite but sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it then other days that's all i think about is how i deserve to be happy.

Maybe i'm wrong for asking the man I've been in love with for over a year to even consider being in love with me again, maybe im crazy for thinking we could work from being hours away, maybe im wrong to ask for happiness and love. Maybe im wrong to ask the guy i could love with all of my heart to break up with his girlfriend, maybe im not good enough for him.  I've got a million things running through my head, but the overall questions is maybe im just not good enough for all of these things...

I leave a bitter taste with every word i say...

Do you believe in fate?
Or is there just luck and bad luck?
Or maybe the way your life is now (being shitty and all) was because of a past life, like you were jack the ripper and thats why youre going through so much shit now, because you deserve it.
But what if, all this shit, is just apart of God's ultimate plan? I ask myself this question a lot. As i was in my room, in the corner all curled up in ball, i yelled to God, and asked him 'why', 'why did you let this happen to me?' I cried and said 'how could you let this happen to me? How could you let me become so unhappy.' I yelled to him and said 'I lost everyone, including myself.'
So i'll ask the question again, is this all apart of a plan? Or maybe its fate, or just plain ole bad luck. Maybe i was some horrible person in a past life so horrible things happen to me. Maybe this life, filled with fear, unhappiness and troubles, is all im ever going to get. Maybe i'll never be happy again and maybe i'll never get to have a man who loves me.

hello hole? Would you let me crawl inside of you so i can just slip away...

I am a nobody, a nothing...

I feel triggered as fuck. I want to cry and cry and cry and just drown in my tears so i don't have to wake up. It's taking every ounce of me to not cut more than i did. If it wasnt for my stupid job and for summer being so hot i'd have cuts all up my arm and on my thighs, im so upset and down right now.

Wanna know a secret?

I still cut. And i mine as well add some more scars to my arms. I try so hard to please my parents, by not going out partying, by talking to them more so they dont feel out of my life, by obeying and so on and so on but whats the point? They still don't trust me. They still treat me like im 10 years old. Im sick of being treated like im a child and as if im the worst teenage daughter they've ever seen. Im sick of pouring my heart out to people who just leave me or dont give a shit about me in the end. Im sick of never being good enough for the people i love. Im sick of wanting so much in life but i always come out short. Im always a failure, no matter how hard i try i always come out with a big fat F. No one will ever love me, im too broken. Im much too used and much to wrong for anyone.

Sometimes i fall apart...

It's funny 'cause im that girl who smiles for the camera, laughs at jokes, keeps a conversation going but at the end of the night the things i try to push to the back of my head always return. I try to put a muzzle on my thoughts, memories, and fears but they just always comes back. Have you ever had a great day but at the end of the night sat on your bed, stared at the walls while some shuffled songs come on your iPod and you end up crying the pain away? I have a lot. I think i do this at least once a week, sometimes its so funny to me because people tell me i'm strong going through the things I've been through but maybe im not? Because at the end of the night everything falls apart and i let into those feelings of depression and loneliness and just desperation to feel something more.

RAMPAGE

Okay first off, you little ungrateful bitch.  Don't come crying to me begging me asking what to do and i give you my advice and how it works because ive been through every single piece of shit you can imagine. So don't come crying to me and then not listen, i am not going to waste my time giving you advice if its just not appreciated? You want to call those other sluts your friends all because they went to the movies with you and gave you pity?! Go fuckin for it, those arent real friends. There just telling you what you want to hear, NOT what you need to hear. Going back to your ex when you BOTH cheat on each other and he has called you on numerous occasions names and you guys have said and done things that cannot be taken back ISNT the solution to fixing your problems....its just gunna happen again, youre gunna break up and dont you dare come cryin back to me because i already fucking told you this would happen twice and yet you ignore me as and say that these other girls are your real friends because they are 'awh'ing and bitching about how horrible he is, when in reality they dont know the fucking truth that all you do is cheat on his ass when your with him so what the fuck is the point of this relationship. YOU ARE A DUMB FUCK. You need to grow the fuck up. You cant even go one day without spending it with a boy, youre a fucking attention whore.  So bitch, i am not going to buy a fucking gym membership so you can fuck my schedule to work around when you want to fuck around with your boyfriend or some other sad soul who decides to fuck with you. You get back with your boyfriend the day after you come to me crying and you spend the day with this other dumb bitch who sucks at damn relationships and hasnt even been your friend and hasnt even been there like i have been so listen to who you want its called fucking KARMA. Suddenly im not as important. So here's my message to you, FUCK YOU. Go play in traffic, they can't miss your ugly ass.

I feel as if my hearts breaking again...

            Is it to much to ask to be held just for one more night? One more night by you, with your warm body up against mine, your soft hands rubbing my arms, the chill of your breath on my neck, the sensation of feeling your heartbeat and the overwhelming happiness of your kiss. I just wanna be happy with you and sometimes i wonder if this happiness i long for is to much to ask for. I'm just really feeling like im really not supposed to be happy and that i wasn't settling, that the best i was ever gonna get i broke up with. I am so sick of being alone, im so sick of offering my love and my life to someone who never really wants it. I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want to not cry at night. I want a reason to be happy again. My kinda happiness.

Whats on my mind...

No one reads this so i figure i mind as well say what im thinking, right? But i kinda feel like a hardcore nasty bitch for saying the things i think in my head. I guess i won't say everything cause if by some chance someone does read this they might send me to get some anger management.

Is it bad when all i can do is think of you with her? Think of you touching her and her touching you. Laughing, smiling, kissing, (barf)...i get so overwhelmed with the thoughts of someone having you, and its not me. I know she had you before me and it makes me sick to my stomach but i just cant get over it. I just want to punch a wall thinking of it now. It makes me so angry and sad at the same time. I just feel like if i really was good enough you would pick me. 'Cause you could do that, it happens all the time. Also, i feel like and i dont mean this to sound like a bitch but if you're going to cheat on someone, especially when its been more than once...they deserve to know. If you have any respect for them, they deserve to know and make the decision of what they want to do with that information. If you ask me any girl would be crazy to take someone back after they cheated on them more than once with different girls...insecure? I'd say so. I'm just a mess, i'm so pissed off  and i can't take this stress. The anger is building up and i can't blow it out on anyone and even if i do i get no end result. So with all this anger built up i take it to a razor. Which is unhealthy, and i probably shouldnt do it but its my comfort and no it doesnt release all the anger and it will never be gone til youre mine but maybe at least if i take the pain on myself it will make me feel better, because sometimes i feel like i deserve it. The pain, anger, disappointment and sadness just overwhelms me and at any second of the day i will just start balling and have to run off to a different room. I'm sick of this i just want to be yours.

Now, for my other hell. Why, why, WHY, must you play with my heart? I have loved you for almost a year now, and every time i've ever gotten close to a boy and you found out about it, you made me feel so horrible and that you would be with me so i'd drop them dead to be with you but you'd just drop me within a week or two. Stop playing with my heart, its fragile. Don't call me to tell me you love me, because you know i will always say it back. My heart will always belong to you until you tell me to let go. And that day, weeks, months, while i have to let go will be the worst days of my life. I have loved you more than someone i was with for a year, i was never even your girl. But for some reason you stole my heart the moment i saw you and for some reason you just dont "love" me the way you used to tell me that you did. It kills me. It kills me to see that you took another girl to prom, when on the night when we danced in front of a stage among thousands of people you told me you wanted to take me to prom  and that no other girl could replace me...but it seems someone did, or that i didnt even come across your mind.

Its funny cause with all that said, that doesnt even say all the things that are running through my head. The pain i feel right now is just breaking me to pieces.

It's been awhile...

No matter how many times i give them the benefit of the doubt, i believe the lies and give them a chance hoping thinking they are different like they say. Maybe all the things people were telling me were lies were really the truth, the i'm not good enough's, the im fat, the im ugly, the im not smart, they were all true. Maybe i shouldn't believe anybody when they tell me differently., maybe i am a worthless piece of crap and i do deserve to be forever alone. I'll never be good enough for someone and that is something that is very hard to grasp. I've grown up thinking love is like this or like that but maybe i was wrong all along, maybe there is no such thing as love, its just a figment of our imagination. I turn my phone on and off praying maybe there will be a text message that i've missed, that i didn't get yet...but there never is. Maybe i need to stop lying to myself and start facing reality, you'll never feel the love i have for you, for me.

Fuck love

I'm done giving my heart to people who never want it. They NEVER want it. I'm willing to love someone with every ounce of my body, but they don't want it. Hello depression, goodbye happiness. Hello cuts and bruises, goodbye kisses and hugs. No one ever wants to love me, all that bullshit talk is starting to sound familiar. Where the "i'm good enough and the i'm beautiful" seems so true, until you don't choose me. Than i know it was a lie. People wonder why i have such a trust issue and why i never believe people, that's why. No one's ever proven themselves right. I'm sick of crying these tears of pain and desperation. It's funny, i give piles of advice to people, but i can never find someone who wants to love me. Maybe i did deserve the bad in life. Maybe that's what my love life is supposed to be, while everyone else smiles and laughs around me i'm stuck dying inside. Maybe i threw away the only love i was supposed to have away. Or maybe just maybe, i'm supposed to wander this life alone, forever. Those moments when you step into the shower and you give yourself a pep talk "You will not cry today, you're fine." but it all comes pouring down with the last word and you drop to your knees crying and begging to be taken away from this place. No one knows my pain, no one sees it. I can smile a thousand smiles, fake every laugh and join in conversation but no one would know that when i go come, i put on my saddest playlist, wear some bulky clothes so i dont have to see my disgusting body and i end up just crying myself to sleep. NO ONE knows my pain.

I love looking at this album of cuts i have, why i took pictures of them i'm not sure. I think its sorta a reminder of my pain, the blood it's a reminder i'm alive. It's funny cause people only see the scars that i went to deep and i forgot to cover it up with concealer. But they don't see the scars that i have on my heart and the scars that (luckily my skin has a lot of elasticity) have disappeared. TRIGGERED AS FUCK. 2 weeks my ass, Peace out bitches.

You're not in control...

What the fuck is this world? Honestly, who the fuck knows. We live in a world of lies, secrets and death. Angels and demons walk among us but hardly any of us see them. I think the world has different dimensions. Aliens are real, afterlife is real, and little do we know that our best friend might be some fucking humanoid. What if we could look into the eyes of someone from another world? See what our world looks like to them. What would they say? Are we crazy? Or are they crazy to us? Whats the norm? Hatred, deceit, war, murder, is a daily part of our lives. Is there something better out there? Something beyond our belief, that this life is all just a trial run. This dimension is just something fun for others to fuck around with. Like our life is a real life video game of Sims. That'd be convenient because then i'd know why i get FUCKED OVER all the damn time.

Rampage

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck,  Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck..... MY LIFE. I am so in the mood to fucking deck someone in the face and slit my wrist.

Why do you do this to me?

I'm starting to be normal and for a lack of words happy again. But i still can't get past this feeling of well loneliness and just kinda letting go. Giving up, i don't know its always in the back of my mind. Like temporary happiness. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. My heart and brain are in a constant battle, i never know which one i should listen too. There's something about love and happiness that if you ask me, everyone longs for. But, there's also this sense of pain that comes along with love and happiness, for me. Reminders, that everyone i've ever loved and everything thats ever made me happy; has let me down or pushed me away. I'm afraid of living life. Cause i know that if i have one more major heartbreak, i can't take it. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

When the moon shines i become alive...

I'm sick of chasing people to be with me or even to be my friend. I'm done trying to reach out to people, either you want to be with/be my friend or you don't. I just want to feel wanted for once in my life. I know it may not happen but i'm sick of trying to please everybody just so that i can have a friend or two. Like is too much to ask to have one guy or one friend actually fight for me? To care if i walked out that door, to come running after me. What if i'm thoroughly convinced no man will ever do that for me? Can someone please prove me wrong...

You officially have my heart....

Just cause you're breathing doesn't mean your're alive

It's funny, there were days before when i was pretty normal but i would still starve myself. But, when i'm depressed and as sad as i am right now, food and hunger disgusts me. I guess this is good for myself since i'm always criticizing how i look, a few skipped meals always helps. Is it bad when you look in the mirror and all you see are one flaw after another. When you can't look in the mirror and tell yourself truthfully that you're beautiful, and these flaws make you beautiful. All i see is a broken down, overweight, not tan enough, not pretty enough girl. The rush of not eating, it brings a sense of happiness. The only happiness i have right now. To feel skinny in hope i'll finally be good enough for someone. It will never matter how many times someone tells me i will never feel skinny and beautiful. Those days are long gone. I lost my confidence with the guy who took it. My happiness has been suppressed to relying on people to make me happy because i don't have the strength to do it on my own anymore. I'm just waiting for one more person to tell me i'm stupid, and not worth being alive. Cause i will take that as a sign and i will make there dreams come true.

boredom

The darkness overwhelms you It's like fresh layed tar, 

it will turn you black and cold but it burns your soul

You'll sit in your room for hours just staring, staring

at the blanks walls hoping someone will come rescue you 

from this monster, from yourself, from the monster inside you....

But no one ever does come

You'll deal with the pain on the outside

to try kill the pain on the inside 

but these scars will always remind you of your pain

and within minutes it'll all rush back...

the overwhelming sense of emptiness will take over you

once again, until you find yourself in a burning hole of flames

Do your thoughts scare you?

I'm falling apart. I just don't want this life again. I'd rather die than go into this depressing stage again. The stage where i don't eat, where i cut every night and my trashcan is full of bloody and tear-filled tissues. I'm broken down again, with no where to turn. No one to cry too, no one to comfort me, no one that i believe that my life is worth living. No one to tell me that the voices in my head are wrong. So yes, my thoughts scare me. The thoughts of where everything i see turns into another weapon that could cause my death. The thoughts where nothing seems worth living for. The thoughts that i'm just a nobody, a failure at life, that i'll never make anyone happy and i just fuck every single thing up.  The thoughts that tell me i'm not skinny enough, that just one more cut will take away the pain. The thoughts that maybe death with be peaceful. That i don't have a plan for this life, that maybe my death would be more impacting than if i was here, alive. Ha, alive. Alive, i'm barely breathing. I'm barely holding on. So, do your thoughts scare you?

Enough said.

http://brokenapart17.tumblr.com/

Someone please carry me through

I find myself not being, me again. I've stopped listening to my oldies, my country and my "happy album". I've reverted back to my sad and triggering music.  I hate this feeling of desperation, loneliness, and hopelessness. These feelings are something i know all to well, but they still hurt like hell. You'd think by now i'd be used to getting rejected by people i love. Used to being pushed away and used to not being good enough and not being a priority. All I've ever wanted was for someone to want me just as much as i want them, to beg me to make the decision to finally be with them, to love them unconditionally and not have to worry about whether my hearts going to shatter again. But i'm starting to believe, that'll never happen and that i ask to much. That asking to be loved, is asking too much. That'll i'll never be worth it again. That no man will ever whisper in my ear how much he loves me. This is too much for me, i think my hearts broken for the last time...

I was naive and never really had a chance

I can honestly feel my heart grow cold again, i can feel myself slip away. Wanting to do anything to take away the pain. I can feel my heart breaking into the old, sharp pieces that were once restored. My life is a lie. I smile for the ones around me but all i want to do is break down and cry every second of the day. I can tell i'm not caring about my schoolwork anymore, i'm not caring about how i'm reacting to people, im letting my anger and my depression get the best of me. I'm sick of always being let down, i'm sick of getting this pile of hope filling and filling up and it all spills out into a black abyss instead of someone finally telling me its true this hope is finally fulfilling itself. I'm hopeless. No one can love me. I fuck everything good in my life up. Everything is my fault. I don't want to be me. I don't want to keep living a lie anymore. It's not normal to cry everyday of your life. No one can save me, i'm not the fortunate one. I just want to tear apart every visible piece of my flesh, im sick of being strong and brave for everyone around me. I want to cave in, i want to give up. I have no one. And no one needs me, so why should i try to be here any longer?

Life's a journey

I'm not perfect, yeah i cut from occasion, i wear makeup, i tan, i won't go out of the house if i feel fat and by any means do i think im gorgeous...
I've often been pondering what life, love and happiness is... Today i stood in my church and said "I'm done. If you won't help me than i'm done." Why is it that we thank God for the happiness and the smiles but we also blame him for the tears and the pain? My reasoning?  I am angry with life and i blame God for what happened to me. Deep down i know it was not his plan and it was not what he wanted, but i also can't lie and say i don't stand in my church or i don't sit in my room and ask God "Why?", "Why did you let this happen to me?" I blame him for it. I am angry with God. I find myself crying a lot and thinking about this subject quite often, i dont know why suddenly its on my mind. I won't kid myself, i don't want to deal with what happened but i also know that i have to, to move on with life. I stand in church not able to sing because i will burst in tears because i just want to scream, i DO NOT understand. I don't understand what i did so wrong to deserve this, and why he let this happen to me. I've been contemplating about trying to right my testimony to announce to my youth group so people can kinda understand me and understand why i am the way i am, but i also don't know if im ready but at the same time i feel like if i dont share it with people the pressure will just explode because without helping people deal with the same thing that happened to me i dont know if im going to feel like life is worth living. Cause in the end, is it?

Tied together with a smile

         What do you do when the pain your feeling is overwhelming you? When you want to be so unbelievably happy but the thing that your longing for is to far out of reach? When your inches away from your happiness but your just not able to fit the par?
          No one gives us these answers, we're just told to keep moving. What if you're not sure if you can. Sometimes i wonder if this life is all just a joke, that a death, a suicide, is nothing. That in the end its all just nothing. That i could kill myself, and it would solve everything. No more worries, no Hell, you're just gone.

"Baby, im running out of band aids.
Even though you can bandage the damage,
You never really can fix my heart."

Fuck Today

I'm just going to crawl in a hole today...goodbye world. *Bang, bang*

Who would've known...

             I was looking for this hat i had in mind for a photo shoot im doing next week with a senior, as i was looking i came across old pictures that i gladly looked through and smiled at my parents funny hair and clothes and the things my mother dressed us girls in. As i kept looking for this hat through some old boxes, i found an old diary. It was more of a prayer journal and it had pages of important subjects to me that were in the study bible that i had at the time. Quotes from certain passages or some of the discussions i had written down, as i was passing through this old journal, i was just fastly and vaguely, reading and flipping page after page. I suddenly went back as a word caught my eye and i say that i had written the word 'Rape'. As i was reading the words i had written about this subject, i was in awe. I had no words to describe the feeling that was overwhelming me. Three years ago, i wrote about the subject that has been haunting me for the past few months. As i kept reading over and over and over the words i written i suddenly just dropped to my knee's and i said to myself, "Oh my god."
              Three innocent unknowing years ago, i wrote about Rape. I put some notes into my journal and somethings i was discussing with myself...

                                "What if the person you feel strongly about rapes you? You want to enjoy it but you know it's wrong. Is rape a sin to the one who is raped? If you're raped do you deserve it? The simple answer is no. God would never wish this upon someone. God is not the god of this world, the Devil is and the devil wants to hurt us and destroy us. (2 Corinthians 4:4) God has a plan for every milestone in your life, maybe somethings change but he will use them for good. So do not fear my daughter, for i love you and will wash away every tear and every stain."

              Who would've known. That three years ago i was basically writing to my future self. If that's not freaky i dont know what is. I'm not saying this was meant to happen to me, but i do think i was meant to find this journal passage.

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Live. Laugh. Love.

             Do you ever wonder where life will take you? A year ago, i would've never thought i'd be in cyber school, single and barely talking to any of my friends that were basically my life. I never would've thought that i would give up the partying scene because of something bad happening to me. I'm not mad i quit the partying scene, it was my choice, my choice to grow up. But on the bright side a year ago i wouldn't have expected myself to be having a great photography career, talking to the man of my dreams, and besides the rough patches; be on the road to a great, successful, vivacious life. Sure i'll most likely never to go to my junior or senior prom that I've dreamed about my whole life, but i'll be finishing school and working on my business instead of being in school with a bunch of fake friends. I'm no one special, I've realized that years ago, I'm just a normal day stressed out teenager who's been through too many "grown-up" situations, but i also no matter how much i say it when im sad and down, i'd never take it back. My life the way it is, sure i get depressed but if i can help one person get through some of the same shit I've been through, it'll all be worth the wild. Yes, i want to travel to foreign countries because i have a compassion for others and a passion for helping people who otherwise don't know where to turn. Even if i never got the chance to fulfill my dreams of traveling to other countries i'd be worth it just to help people here, in my own country. But, if i had to choose between living a perfectly happy life and never having the things happen to me like they did, or going through some rough patches, being suicidal, being torn and lost but helping other teens, young children and adults get through the hell they are living; i wouldn't take a second back. Not only can i relate to people, but someday when my little girl is all grown up and the first boy she has a crush on breaks her heart, not only will mommy be there to comfort her but i'll be there to tell her life goes on and someday some boy will treat you with all the love and respect you deserve, and i'm here to prove it. I guess i'm writing this to remind myself why i live everyday, why i'm still here, because without my passion for others and my love for my future family i wouldn't be here. I would've gave up a long time ago, and when i'm ready to give up again, i'll just have to read this and remind myself that "I'm worth it."

The day that changed everything

December 31, 2011.
        What a way to start out the new year, new beginnings, new goals, new people, new decisions all altered by a fateful, regretted night. There are days when i wont go a second thinking about this day and its events, but there are days where it's all i dwell on. How i could've changed it, how if i only had listened, how if i was only smart enough, and how i could've stopped those bastards. But i didn't, i was too weak, afraid, drunk, and delusional. The questions that still linger are often simple ones, like Why? Why did this happen to me? What did i do so wrong to deserve this? Was i such a horrible person that i deserved to have something horrible happen to me? Maybe i'm not even supposed to be here, maybe that was the way i was supposed to die. That night, cold, desperate, broken, drugged and confused. So if that's true, why am i still here?
         And if by some chance of fate this was supposed to happen to me, what am i going to use this for? I know i can maybe help other young girls and boys who have been in my situation but why did it have to be ME? Why was i the one chosen to get bruised and torn apart by 2 of the guys i trusted with my life. I used to say i wouldn't take this back because i want to help other by telling me story, but i do, i take it back, all of it. I wish i could. Months after the incident i still flinch when people grab me quickly and i'm not aware they were there, when someone comes into my room at night, and when im just home alone i swear i can hear them laughing. My heart shatters every time someone mentions the word rape or jokes about. I know i haven't dealt with this incident cause i was never ready, but will i ever be? I always feel like people tell me i have to move on, what happened was in the past and you need to keep it that way. But how am i supposed to keep something in the past when its brought up in daily conversations or when im reminded at least weekly of why im in Cyber School and why i have no friends and why i choke when i have to say the word, rape.
           What if someone can't accept me for who i am? For whats's happened to me? For the mistakes I've made and for the decisions I've chosen. What is this will be my downfall, the thing i said i wanted to help people with, the thing i wanted to outreach to those who have no one to talk too, what if it ends up killing me? Will it be worth it then?

The good and the bad

I've been thinking a lot. i've never wanted someone so badly but maybe im wrong for trying to steal someone else's man. I havent felt like this in so long so how could it be so wrong yet so unbelievably right. i'd kill the bitch that tried to steal my man but at the same time if he felt the same way i'd just let him go, no matter how much that'd hurt. my worst fear right now is that im nothing and i dont stand a chance. she has everything and i have nothing, im left to wait weeks to only get a few cherishable hours. But maybe that'll make it all worth the while in the future, to say i waited because i thought you were worth it and boy you were. There's also the undeniable fact that no matter what i truly don't feel that no matter what would happen while still in the relationship or close to the end, the decision won't be made to choose me. But, can i blame you? Is it so wrong to love someone even though there with someone else? Whats right and wrong when it comes to love? Who honestly knows, no one if you ask me.

Felt the need to put some thinspiration on here, and to remind myself why i'm fat 

Don't go breakin' my heart

I have to say some of my biggest fears are ghosts, the dark, and a gory death but most of all, the thing that scares me most...Is that no one will ever love me. That no one will ever choose to spend the rest of their life with me. That all those haunting memories that i wasn't good enough will come back and beat me up and tell me once again I'm just not good enough and i never will be, that there's nothing i can do to deserve a man's love. I feel like its not too much to ask, for someone to love me. But than again maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm to complicated and too broken to be loved. Who really knows what love is anyway? To me it's different than your opinion of love and im sure of societies. I think when you're in love you just know, there's not really a way to explain it but you just know. I do believe everyone deserves to be loved, as i said previously, but what if im wrong? What if people like me don't deserve it or we are meant for a greater purpose or we are just supposed to be that one family member who could never find someone who wanted to be their all. I often wonder if he was right...That no one could love me. No one could find it in them to give me all the love and joy i wanted. That i wasn't good enough and i didn't deserve to be treated that well... sometimes i wonder if that's why i settled with him for months during the end of our relationship. Because i believed him, i believed i would never find someone better. I won't lie though, i thoroughly believe every guy is lying to me when they tell me sweet, kind and nice things to me. It was burnt into my mind that i wasn't good enough, that i was fat and ugly and uncapable of being loved. It is very hard for me to let guys in, it may take weeks for me to believe them, maybe months. But when i stick around and think you're worth it, please, please believe me. I don't stick around for just any guy, i am so afraid of being heartbroken again. So its very hard for me to even talk to guys, your lucky if i reply to a message for pure fear that you'll just lie to me and hurt me even if those aren't your intentions. And when i say "you mean the world to me" you best know i'm falling damn hard for you, if im not in love with you already and that my heart will get broken no matter how much i tell you to not worry about me. Love is so very important to me, i will do anything to please the man that has my 'heart' i refuse to let him leave me and have him say it was my fault. I won't lie i will still always think if a guy i love leaves me, i will always think its my fault. Cause ill go back to what i said before, maybe i'm just not good enough for someone and maybe im not meant to be loved. Who knows, honestly. All i know is that i would give up and pick up anything for someone i loved, but it seems no ones every willing to do that for me...but maybe its just the way its supposed to be...

To start...

I'm just a simple teenage girl, maybe more complicated but maybe that just makes me, me. I look at the world a lot differently than most people. I don't just judge someone from there past or there mistakes. People can't always help there past and sometimes whether you choose to believe it or not we all make mistakes and most of us regret them. It's life, a lot of times its what we wanted at some point, but we grow up, we change and we realize the things we used to want aren't what we want anymore. I am the way i am from my experiences in life, and yes some of them i would rather have not gone through but i also wouldn't be the person i am today. I appreciate what is given to me and although i may get mad at my parents, or my sisters, at the end of the day i realize to be thankful for them because not everyone was given loving parents, siblings, a home, food and clothes.
I often say i am a hopeless romantic. Love is very important to me, as well as happiness. I think everyone deserves to be happy and most of loved. I won't lie i get very jealous seeing couples or like right now both of my sisters are pregnant and married...that kinda kills me on the inside. I'm all alone ya know? I don't know what its like to have someone there for you all the time anymore, it seems like a distant memory. A long, overdue, lonesome, painful, and regretful memory. There isn't a day that goes by that i'm not reminded of the pain i have gone through in my life. I could go on and on but i figure i have to have to do more than one blog post ya know?
I'm a very cautious person when it comes to trust, I've either had prior reasons to trust you or i just have a feeling. Sometimes my feeling is wrong, and i get hurt but everyone does i suppose. I have every reason not to trust people, from the time i was very young i couldn't trust people. My sisters told on me, every single friend I've ever had has went behind my back and have lied to my face about it, i honestly don't know how I'm not a lesbian when it comes to trusting boys because i seriously can't tell you how many times i have been hurt and broken by men but than again its not like women have been any kinder to me.
Outcasted, alone, torn, and broken are only a few things I've had to endure. Maybe the things I've gone through are nothing. Ya know? Maybe one persons troubles are another persons easy life, like its nothing to them. Well i guess that's all for now, i've got a lot to tell so stick around, if anybody actually reads this shit besides me...