Passion that's forever

I can only choose words to express myself and my feelings. I don't think there is enough words that i could find to explain the person that i am and the person i am looking for.

The trials i have been through in my life, they make me who i am. Some things made me strong, some made me weak, some made me wise and some made me easily breakable but above all they made me a better person. I am looking for my soul mate, someone who sees every single quality, flaw and detail about me. I want a man who when i tell my life story to he looks at me with love and instantly i feel comforted. That when i explain the hell I've been through he doesn't feel pity for me but he sees strength, kindness, compassion and love in my eyes. I want someone who sees my worry, my tears and my sincerity about our relationship as passion for our love. Not a bad sign, but a sign that i am in this for the long run and never want anything to ruin that. I don't like explaining myself. I want the man who is my forever, to see my huge heart, to see my compassion, my love, my forgiveness, kindness, sincerity, overall sweet heart without me having to tell him about it. I want a man who i can wait to tell my past too, who I'm not afraid will run away if i don't tell him right away. I want someone to comfort me to keep me safe.

This is isn't exactly how i planned on starting out this blog post. I just have been waiting so long for someone to have my heart again. To give someone my  heart and not have it shattered. I want my gentleman who opens the door for me, who calls me beautiful everyday, who shows me his love without me having to ask for it, who sees the very best in me and the very worst but still sees me as the most amazing woman ever, i want someone who is compassionate, dedicated, driven and makes me a better person everyday. I want a love so strong, a passion that last a life time. A passion that last forever, that when we are old and weary that we still wake up with smiles on our faces that the one we live is right next to us. I want to get married, hear those little footsteps on the wood floor and the burst into mommy and daddy's room to wake us up, i want the fights, the tears, the hardships, but most importantly the love because all of those things make up the best thing in life. Memories. The hard things that people work through make you stronger, together. Not only do you get to walk side be side in life but you get to be one.

I am not saying that anyone deserves the best in life because honestly no one does its by the grace of God we are here. But what i am saying is i deserve all of that. I deserve the man who protects my heart with every ounce of his body and never lets it start to wilt. Im sick of fighting for love, i don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to worry every night whether or not I'm being played. So many men don't understand how many times i have been hurt, i just don't think they fathom that. They take my hurt and my pain as immaturity maybe and being broken and maybe not ready. But that is far from it, yes it hurts. The past hurts but i am not broken, i am strong and i am more than ever ready to share my life and my love with someone.

My soul yearns for you

How is it that I am so in love with my husband and maybe I've never even met him yet? I am in love with the thought of you, the thought of having you by my side, caring for you, loving you and cherishing you.

I haven't figured out where my life is going to lead me or how I'm to get to the places I'm supposed to be, I can only hope that on the journey i find you. I know for a fact i am going to be an amazing wife, mother and friend to my children. I can only hope that God blesses me with them at the perfect time in my life and until then i will praise you everyday. I know you are trying to teach me patience, I am probably the most impatient person ever. As i was holding my nephew, Evan, in worship today i found myself almost in tears of how precious of a gift he was and how i cannot wait to have one on my own. I just felt you telling me 'all in time my daughter.' I have such a passion for children, they are the future, they are amazing gifts and they just ignite this fire inside my heart when there little face smiles at me.

I would love to go to foreign countries as prophetic men of God have told me I am to do, to show the 'little brown children' the love of God. They have such a big place in my heart and maybe that's where i belong. Not focusing on my husband 24/7 that I don't have yet. Not that i don't love you and the thought of you but maybe when im least expecting it, it'll happen. There are just so many lost children out there who don't know the love of their heavenly Father. My heart breaks when i think of these children all alone, cold, scared and hungry. We take for granted everyday the things we have. Even without thinking about it, I know i do.

So God, i ask of you...If this is where I am supposed to be, show me the way, give me the opportunities and send me on my way to send love and your word to the children and even adults who need to see your light and grace.

"My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you." Isaiah 26:9

Maybe a fresh start

 Not that i don't love my family, coworkers, my few friends, my nieces and nephews I just feel like i need to get away. I've been saying it for a long time but i can actually feel myself trying to make it happen and realize why it needs to happen. This town has nothing left for me. I can't grow here. Emotionally, business wise, physically, with my relationships and in my growth as an adult. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in a never ending circle. Everything is the same here, same people, same things, same atmosphere. If i really do have this ultimate plan of ministering to little children in foreign countries then i need to get out of here because im never going to face that opportunity. I just really need to put my full trust in God to have this figured out for me cause an 18 year old who pays all her bills and has no help i will definitely need some financial help moving away to strengthen myself as an individual.       



So i guess here it goes. Goodbye to the past. I'm moving on, I'm not letting men control my life, I'm letting the only man i need in my life control it, and he will be the man to dance with me until he allows someone willing to cut in.
Here's goodbye to the "I'll do it later." Get healthy, now. Not later. Here's hasta la vista to my fears and mistakes. Because God has full control and knows what he's doing way more than i do.

•  Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
• Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
• Psalm 37:5,6 - Commit your way to the Lord trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
• Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pondering

Honestly, i just don't like writing on this thing sometimes. There's a lot of past hurt and pain and memories that I've written on here, but i guess i can't just erase them. The memories that is.

I try to move on with issues and then it seems more just pop on up. What is seriously up with guys being such assholes? 2 ex's come back in 2 weeks time, begging me, telling me im such a great person that they threw a great thing into the trash. Well ya know what you did and im gracious enough to be willing to be allow you to try and be friends with me and what do you do? You go around acting like you rule the world again and you don't. You don't control me and I am soooo sick of people thinking they can just push me around. I am a good person. I deserve so much better than this bull in life.

I know It seems that I write on here when I'm angry with God, but i guess it is. I don't feel right yelling at Him, so i write it. When am i going to get my happy ending? I turned my life around for you. I just thought maybe i could be happy again, for once. Ever since that day it seems like my life has been in the hole. What more do you want from me? The only thing I've ever asked for in this life is to have someone else, someone else to hold, to care for, to love with all my heart and it always seems like they walk away. I know you have an ultimate plan for me God, but i am so very impatient. Maybe you're trying to break my impatience and tell me to wait and hold on for you. I know this is the worst way ever to think of it but sometimes i just feel like its my turn to get something, i do things for others all the time and it seems like i never get anything in return. I get screwed. Maybe, that's what your trying to tell me. You did everything for everybody and still you were crucified.

I think i figured out why i write it, because i get angry than realize things. But still with all that said i really wish i just knew that you have a plan for me and where its going to lead me.

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