bitch

I have an anger building up in me and it would honestly make me the happiest person ever to just fucking watch you burn...

An update

Ive started a new blog that has to do with all of my thoughts and walk with the Lord. Im going to leave this blog for other things that pop in my head...

http://daughteroftheking1995.blogspot.com/

I'll take an apple martini and a night of crying... to go.

I'm sick of constantly feeling heartbroken and having my heart broken. I am never good enough for you. I would do absolutely anything for you. I stick up for you all the time, i have never once broken your trust and i have always been there for you when you needed me. But it isn't in return, you have ignored me, pushed me to the side and used me. I hate feeling like an option to someone who i have made a priority. Why do you call me baby and tell im beautiful and make me feel like im the best thing ever but then other times you make me feel like im just worthless...

Why doesn't anyone make me a priority? I am really sick of the same answer every time  I'm a really amazing girl, I'm super sweet, I'll be an amazing wife and daughter but im not the one for you. Am i going to be told that forever? I just want someone who accepts me and wants to be with me, someone i don't have to fight for. I write about it all the time and its just so frustrating saying the same thing and still nothing happens. Some people just don't even give me a chance or all they look at me as is sex. Thats highly annoying, if you want sex, tell me. Dont lie to me.

This town is worthless

I am so sick of fake people. When do people honestly grow up? I thought i escaped the drama when i left high school but obviously people cant mind their own business. It blows my mind how immature people are, no matter the age. Someone who I thought was my really good friend had the nerve to tell me that "I didn't have any room to talk" when i mentioned that my best friend has a boyfriend and that she shouldn't be talked to another guy. I have NEVER cheated on someone, so that right there just extremely annoyed me. You don't know anything about my personal life, sure when im single i will talk to multiple people. But when i am in a relationship, I am in that relationship 100% committed. I haven't been in a real relationship for almost 2 years, so yeah i still talk to other guys because no guy has proven to me that i should be giving him my all. One way or another someone always shows me their true colors.

It never ceases to amaze me, you would think i wouldn't be surprised when people show who they really are.  I'm so ready to start fresh, make new ties, leave the bad ones behind and experience new things and people.

Now just to get lots and lots of money. I just need an internship or some source that will let me leave. Or a man, that would be nice...

I try to trust

I try to trust God with my health. I don't like going to the doctors, being on medicine because i feel like God will heal everything. But I've been putting it off too long. My anxiety today was just over the top. The worst part is there is nothing i can do about. Nothing makes me feel better. I get so overwhelmed. I will be fine for days, sometime weeks and then all the sudden one day i will just start thinking about all the troubles in my life, the problems, the stresses or the issues i need to deal with.

My heart beats fast, i feel nauseous, my mind is just running a thousand miles an hour and my hands will slightly shake. I just couldn't stop thinking about all the schoolwork i need to do, all the money i need, my relationship problems, my friends or the friends i don't have, work, and i get so sad knowing that nothing helps these feelings. I feel alone in it, i don't like complaining to people and what its worth i feel like no one really cares and no one understands. People say well just calm down and relax, i can't. I've tried, believe me, I've tried. I feel abandoned when it happens. I slept for 12 hours tonight/today trying to just run away from it. I just really wish i had someone to comfort me and talk things through with. I don't have friends i truly trust or that understand. I don't have someone I love to talk to and i almost always refuse to talk to my parents/sisters about my problems. I don't need them worrying or sad about me.

I just really hate not having anyone who understands me. No one who sees me or tries to get me. I have such a loving heart but no one sees the pain i hide some days.  I just wish someone would see past my smile im putting on and the scream im hiding.

Dear God,
Please make me strong when i have no hope. Please give me love when i feel like i have none and give me eyes to see past the troubles of what im facing right now.

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 

Passion that's forever

I can only choose words to express myself and my feelings. I don't think there is enough words that i could find to explain the person that i am and the person i am looking for.

The trials i have been through in my life, they make me who i am. Some things made me strong, some made me weak, some made me wise and some made me easily breakable but above all they made me a better person. I am looking for my soul mate, someone who sees every single quality, flaw and detail about me. I want a man who when i tell my life story to he looks at me with love and instantly i feel comforted. That when i explain the hell I've been through he doesn't feel pity for me but he sees strength, kindness, compassion and love in my eyes. I want someone who sees my worry, my tears and my sincerity about our relationship as passion for our love. Not a bad sign, but a sign that i am in this for the long run and never want anything to ruin that. I don't like explaining myself. I want the man who is my forever, to see my huge heart, to see my compassion, my love, my forgiveness, kindness, sincerity, overall sweet heart without me having to tell him about it. I want a man who i can wait to tell my past too, who I'm not afraid will run away if i don't tell him right away. I want someone to comfort me to keep me safe.

This is isn't exactly how i planned on starting out this blog post. I just have been waiting so long for someone to have my heart again. To give someone my  heart and not have it shattered. I want my gentleman who opens the door for me, who calls me beautiful everyday, who shows me his love without me having to ask for it, who sees the very best in me and the very worst but still sees me as the most amazing woman ever, i want someone who is compassionate, dedicated, driven and makes me a better person everyday. I want a love so strong, a passion that last a life time. A passion that last forever, that when we are old and weary that we still wake up with smiles on our faces that the one we live is right next to us. I want to get married, hear those little footsteps on the wood floor and the burst into mommy and daddy's room to wake us up, i want the fights, the tears, the hardships, but most importantly the love because all of those things make up the best thing in life. Memories. The hard things that people work through make you stronger, together. Not only do you get to walk side be side in life but you get to be one.

I am not saying that anyone deserves the best in life because honestly no one does its by the grace of God we are here. But what i am saying is i deserve all of that. I deserve the man who protects my heart with every ounce of his body and never lets it start to wilt. Im sick of fighting for love, i don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to worry every night whether or not I'm being played. So many men don't understand how many times i have been hurt, i just don't think they fathom that. They take my hurt and my pain as immaturity maybe and being broken and maybe not ready. But that is far from it, yes it hurts. The past hurts but i am not broken, i am strong and i am more than ever ready to share my life and my love with someone.

My soul yearns for you

How is it that I am so in love with my husband and maybe I've never even met him yet? I am in love with the thought of you, the thought of having you by my side, caring for you, loving you and cherishing you.

I haven't figured out where my life is going to lead me or how I'm to get to the places I'm supposed to be, I can only hope that on the journey i find you. I know for a fact i am going to be an amazing wife, mother and friend to my children. I can only hope that God blesses me with them at the perfect time in my life and until then i will praise you everyday. I know you are trying to teach me patience, I am probably the most impatient person ever. As i was holding my nephew, Evan, in worship today i found myself almost in tears of how precious of a gift he was and how i cannot wait to have one on my own. I just felt you telling me 'all in time my daughter.' I have such a passion for children, they are the future, they are amazing gifts and they just ignite this fire inside my heart when there little face smiles at me.

I would love to go to foreign countries as prophetic men of God have told me I am to do, to show the 'little brown children' the love of God. They have such a big place in my heart and maybe that's where i belong. Not focusing on my husband 24/7 that I don't have yet. Not that i don't love you and the thought of you but maybe when im least expecting it, it'll happen. There are just so many lost children out there who don't know the love of their heavenly Father. My heart breaks when i think of these children all alone, cold, scared and hungry. We take for granted everyday the things we have. Even without thinking about it, I know i do.

So God, i ask of you...If this is where I am supposed to be, show me the way, give me the opportunities and send me on my way to send love and your word to the children and even adults who need to see your light and grace.

"My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you." Isaiah 26:9

Maybe a fresh start

 Not that i don't love my family, coworkers, my few friends, my nieces and nephews I just feel like i need to get away. I've been saying it for a long time but i can actually feel myself trying to make it happen and realize why it needs to happen. This town has nothing left for me. I can't grow here. Emotionally, business wise, physically, with my relationships and in my growth as an adult. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in a never ending circle. Everything is the same here, same people, same things, same atmosphere. If i really do have this ultimate plan of ministering to little children in foreign countries then i need to get out of here because im never going to face that opportunity. I just really need to put my full trust in God to have this figured out for me cause an 18 year old who pays all her bills and has no help i will definitely need some financial help moving away to strengthen myself as an individual.       



So i guess here it goes. Goodbye to the past. I'm moving on, I'm not letting men control my life, I'm letting the only man i need in my life control it, and he will be the man to dance with me until he allows someone willing to cut in.
Here's goodbye to the "I'll do it later." Get healthy, now. Not later. Here's hasta la vista to my fears and mistakes. Because God has full control and knows what he's doing way more than i do.

•  Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
• Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
• Psalm 37:5,6 - Commit your way to the Lord trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
• Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pondering

Honestly, i just don't like writing on this thing sometimes. There's a lot of past hurt and pain and memories that I've written on here, but i guess i can't just erase them. The memories that is.

I try to move on with issues and then it seems more just pop on up. What is seriously up with guys being such assholes? 2 ex's come back in 2 weeks time, begging me, telling me im such a great person that they threw a great thing into the trash. Well ya know what you did and im gracious enough to be willing to be allow you to try and be friends with me and what do you do? You go around acting like you rule the world again and you don't. You don't control me and I am soooo sick of people thinking they can just push me around. I am a good person. I deserve so much better than this bull in life.

I know It seems that I write on here when I'm angry with God, but i guess it is. I don't feel right yelling at Him, so i write it. When am i going to get my happy ending? I turned my life around for you. I just thought maybe i could be happy again, for once. Ever since that day it seems like my life has been in the hole. What more do you want from me? The only thing I've ever asked for in this life is to have someone else, someone else to hold, to care for, to love with all my heart and it always seems like they walk away. I know you have an ultimate plan for me God, but i am so very impatient. Maybe you're trying to break my impatience and tell me to wait and hold on for you. I know this is the worst way ever to think of it but sometimes i just feel like its my turn to get something, i do things for others all the time and it seems like i never get anything in return. I get screwed. Maybe, that's what your trying to tell me. You did everything for everybody and still you were crucified.

I think i figured out why i write it, because i get angry than realize things. But still with all that said i really wish i just knew that you have a plan for me and where its going to lead me.

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