The day that changed everything

December 31, 2011.
        What a way to start out the new year, new beginnings, new goals, new people, new decisions all altered by a fateful, regretted night. There are days when i wont go a second thinking about this day and its events, but there are days where it's all i dwell on. How i could've changed it, how if i only had listened, how if i was only smart enough, and how i could've stopped those bastards. But i didn't, i was too weak, afraid, drunk, and delusional. The questions that still linger are often simple ones, like Why? Why did this happen to me? What did i do so wrong to deserve this? Was i such a horrible person that i deserved to have something horrible happen to me? Maybe i'm not even supposed to be here, maybe that was the way i was supposed to die. That night, cold, desperate, broken, drugged and confused. So if that's true, why am i still here?
         And if by some chance of fate this was supposed to happen to me, what am i going to use this for? I know i can maybe help other young girls and boys who have been in my situation but why did it have to be ME? Why was i the one chosen to get bruised and torn apart by 2 of the guys i trusted with my life. I used to say i wouldn't take this back because i want to help other by telling me story, but i do, i take it back, all of it. I wish i could. Months after the incident i still flinch when people grab me quickly and i'm not aware they were there, when someone comes into my room at night, and when im just home alone i swear i can hear them laughing. My heart shatters every time someone mentions the word rape or jokes about. I know i haven't dealt with this incident cause i was never ready, but will i ever be? I always feel like people tell me i have to move on, what happened was in the past and you need to keep it that way. But how am i supposed to keep something in the past when its brought up in daily conversations or when im reminded at least weekly of why im in Cyber School and why i have no friends and why i choke when i have to say the word, rape.
           What if someone can't accept me for who i am? For whats's happened to me? For the mistakes I've made and for the decisions I've chosen. What is this will be my downfall, the thing i said i wanted to help people with, the thing i wanted to outreach to those who have no one to talk too, what if it ends up killing me? Will it be worth it then?