My Story

I guess i could start off with i was born and raised in America. I was raised into a Christian family and it was always pushed down my throat. I have been insecure since the day i can remember. It has always haunted me. 

When i was 13. I was very naive like all young teens. I met a guy and thought i was in love. But you know how could i know what love was? And truthfully i didn't. I just knew people wanted it, people enjoyed it, and people did anything for it. He was about 3 years older than me. It started out well, he treated me nice, told me i was beautiful, that he could never find girl like me. He'd talk about our wedding, our home, our kids, everything. He made me think he was really into me and he told me he loved me. Well soon after he would tell me if you love me you'll send me pictures, if you love me you'll do this and that for me. Of course i did it, i didn't know any better. Well i'd do it. Then he'd leave me. He'd leave me, tell me i was fat, i was ugly and that no one could really love me. He repeated this for months. Coming back, treating me so nicely, than leaving with a bang. He always left me for another girl. This was when i started to self-harm. I honestly don't even remember. I was 13, how the hell did i know what that was? I do remember using scissors. I did it a few times, it stung and then i'd stop. He'd come back then he'd leave and i'd cut. Vicious cycle. I soon after stopped. 

A few years later i met my boyfriend of almost two years. So innocent it seemed. I was 15, him 18. I was a freshman and he was a senior. We met 9th period, i had photography class and he always worked on his pottery. It was so absolutely perfect. At first. We would go out to eat, stay up late on the phone, he treated me oh so good. I truthfully don't know where we went wrong. I think it all started when he lied to me about smoking. I'm not a fan of cigarette's. I couldn't trust him. Soon our relationship just went to ashes. We constantly fought, we always were in and out of the relationship but back together within days. When he would drink, he was a different person. I hated him when he was drunk. He pushed me against a door once because he was so angry at me because i saw him smoking a cigarette when he told me he had quit. As the relationship progressed it got worse. When i wouldn't have sex with him he made me feel so worthless, he would get so angry and he'd make me feel bad and tell me how i didn't love him and i didn't appreciate him. He wouldn't take me out places because he didn't want to spend his money on me. He called me all the names in the book. Told me i would be a whore without him, that if ever broke it off all i would be was a slut, that i wasn't pretty enough, that i was fat and that i was too dumb for anyone to love. 

Creation 2011. I met a guy while i was still dating the man above. I was so dumbfounded. I felt very guilty for hanging out with another guy but it felt so good. It felt so good for a stranger to be interested in me, for a stranger to tell me how beautiful, how funny, how kind, how caring, and how much i meant to him, a stranger. I broke up with my ex that night. I gave him no explanation, hours away i broke it off. I blocked him from my life, i chose to leave him and that day i will never forget. It was the hardest thing i had to do, but i had too. 

Back to summer 2011. Creation Festival. I met the one and only. The man who saved me from my torture. I was absolutely in love with him from the moment i saw him, from the moment he passed me, from the moment that he took his hand told me to come over to him, and from the moment he grabbed my hand and told me he loved me, i have been absolutely completely stunned by him. I could go on and on about how he made me feel like i was the only person in the world surrounded by 1,000 others but i'll keep going. Anyway, the week ended. We separated and promised we would never leave one another, that we were meant to be. He is 3 hours away from me. Just like every other guy in my life. He left. He stopped talking to me for months. One day he texted me and tells me how he misses me and he is so sorry for not texting me that he wanted to try to break it off and he thought that was the easiest way. He didn't think it would work, me and him, 3 hours away. I did of course. But he came back and i thought he'd stay. But once again he left, and would come back. He would tell me 'baby if you want me to be faithful you have to send me this, you have to talk like this'. Why i let him walk all over me, you tell me. I have no idea. But he will never love me back. We stopped talking for a few months again. 

Somewhere in between all of the chaos, was my best friend. She was the world to me. I told her basically everything. I've known her since 6th or 7th grade. She knows everything that ever went on with my relationships. She always saw how my ex's treated me and told me all the time to leave them but i never thought i could, never thought i was strong enough. But i did eventually or they'd leave me. Long story short with this one, i was talking to one of her guy friends that i had no idea she liked because she never told me. He started talking to me first and all of the sudden she texted me one day and told me not to talk to him anymore. So i asked why and she told me because he deserved better than me. He deserved better than a used whore. At that time i really wasn't i only had sex with one person.  

I mean the guy i spent a year of my life with thought i was a whore, my best friend thought i was slut so who cares because my whole world thinks i am. So i mine as well not care anymore, right? I was looking for someone to love me, i admit i looked in all the wrong places. All i really wanted was for someone to see me for everything that i am. But that never happened. This is hard for me to admit but i will. I would have sex with guy i thought i cared about and i thought cared about me. I thought 'maybe if i just have sex with them, they'll love me'...well that never happened. They all left, they all didn't care and they all left me with another memory that i was a worthless failure. 

December 31, 2011. Changed my life forever. I lied to my parents to get out of the house so i could go party like normal with who i thought was my best friend. Well my parents finally allowed me to "sleepover" my friends. She picked me up and we hung out until the New Years ball dropped. Then the fateful decision i made will have impacted my life, forever. We went to a good friends house party. We had drank before we even arrived and i was very intoxicated. We drank some more as we got there. Nothing new, everything seemed normal. Until my best friend asked me to go upstairs and get her jacket where we had dropped them off before. At this time, i was extremely under the influence. I could barely walk up the stairs, i was stumbling everywhere i went and i was in and out of consciousness. But anyway, i started walking up the stairs and i finally got to the top, where i was met by two of my pretty close guy friends. I've known them for years. I used to have a crush on the one. They took me from the corner and dragged me into a bedroom. They threw me on the bed, took of my clothes and forced me to have sex with each of them. I can still feel there grimy hands on me. I couldn't do anything, i was in such shock i didn't even know what to do. I was so drunk, the memory that haunts me is me laying there just crying and begging them to stop. After they were finished with me. They left. I layed there, just crying. My best guy friend came upstairs looking for me, and begged me to tell him what happened, he kept asking 'Did they hurt you? Alexis tell me'. I never answered.  He helped me put on my clothes and walked me in the bathroom, where i threw up and i had to put bandages on my bleeding body.

The next few days my body ached. The pain was  still there physically and it will always be there mentally. When i told my sister what happened, she told me 'That's what happens when you get to drunk. Bad things happen.' and she walked away. When my other sister found out 'I had a similar thing happen to me, but i kicked him away and i ran.' When my school found out, they thought it was consensual because that's what the boys told people of course. But i was a classified as a whore, and that i fucking deserved to be talked about like i was. Once it got out that i actually was raped i will NEVER forget what some people said. "I was just looking for attention, that i'm just a slut who doesn't want to admit it, that even if i was raped i deserved it because i was at a party." My best friend who was at that party and sat in the bathroom with me while i cried even denied it. She told people it was possible i just had sex with them and that you don't think those guys would do that. I soon after left that school, i couldn't stand seeing the guys that caused my pain, and the people who encouraged it. 

I started cutting again mid-January. It started out small, with scissors. It later progressed to razors. I have hundreds of cuts. I cut on my upper and lower arm. My stomach. My thighs. It is my getaway. It is the only thing that reminds me i am alive. Cutting brings me comfort in my hectic depressed suicidal life. I've attempted suicide multiple times. All failures, obviously. I also frequently try to starve my self or purge when i feel the need. I wish i didn't do these things, but it's the only way i know how to cope. Sometimes its the only way to remind myself that while i feel dead, im still alive. 

With all that said, there's my story. I'm sure i forgot somethings but if you ever want to talk just message me. I'm still fighting and I'm still surviving.

(Written February 2012)