I'm not perfect, yeah i cut from occasion, i wear makeup, i tan, i won't go out of the house if i feel fat and by any means do i think im gorgeous...
I've often been pondering what life, love and happiness is... Today i stood in my church and said "I'm done. If you won't help me than i'm done." Why is it that we thank God for the happiness and the smiles but we also blame him for the tears and the pain? My reasoning? I am angry with life and i blame God for what happened to me. Deep down i know it was not his plan and it was not what he wanted, but i also can't lie and say i don't stand in my church or i don't sit in my room and ask God "Why?", "Why did you let this happen to me?" I blame him for it. I am angry with God. I find myself crying a lot and thinking about this subject quite often, i dont know why suddenly its on my mind. I won't kid myself, i don't want to deal with what happened but i also know that i have to, to move on with life. I stand in church not able to sing because i will burst in tears because i just want to scream, i DO NOT understand. I don't understand what i did so wrong to deserve this, and why he let this happen to me. I've been contemplating about trying to right my testimony to announce to my youth group so people can kinda understand me and understand why i am the way i am, but i also don't know if im ready but at the same time i feel like if i dont share it with people the pressure will just explode because without helping people deal with the same thing that happened to me i dont know if im going to feel like life is worth living. Cause in the end, is it?
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