Life's a journey

I'm not perfect, yeah i cut from occasion, i wear makeup, i tan, i won't go out of the house if i feel fat and by any means do i think im gorgeous...
I've often been pondering what life, love and happiness is... Today i stood in my church and said "I'm done. If you won't help me than i'm done." Why is it that we thank God for the happiness and the smiles but we also blame him for the tears and the pain? My reasoning?  I am angry with life and i blame God for what happened to me. Deep down i know it was not his plan and it was not what he wanted, but i also can't lie and say i don't stand in my church or i don't sit in my room and ask God "Why?", "Why did you let this happen to me?" I blame him for it. I am angry with God. I find myself crying a lot and thinking about this subject quite often, i dont know why suddenly its on my mind. I won't kid myself, i don't want to deal with what happened but i also know that i have to, to move on with life. I stand in church not able to sing because i will burst in tears because i just want to scream, i DO NOT understand. I don't understand what i did so wrong to deserve this, and why he let this happen to me. I've been contemplating about trying to right my testimony to announce to my youth group so people can kinda understand me and understand why i am the way i am, but i also don't know if im ready but at the same time i feel like if i dont share it with people the pressure will just explode because without helping people deal with the same thing that happened to me i dont know if im going to feel like life is worth living. Cause in the end, is it?

Tied together with a smile

         What do you do when the pain your feeling is overwhelming you? When you want to be so unbelievably happy but the thing that your longing for is to far out of reach? When your inches away from your happiness but your just not able to fit the par?
          No one gives us these answers, we're just told to keep moving. What if you're not sure if you can. Sometimes i wonder if this life is all just a joke, that a death, a suicide, is nothing. That in the end its all just nothing. That i could kill myself, and it would solve everything. No more worries, no Hell, you're just gone.

"Baby, im running out of band aids.
Even though you can bandage the damage,
You never really can fix my heart."

Fuck Today

I'm just going to crawl in a hole today...goodbye world. *Bang, bang*

Who would've known...

             I was looking for this hat i had in mind for a photo shoot im doing next week with a senior, as i was looking i came across old pictures that i gladly looked through and smiled at my parents funny hair and clothes and the things my mother dressed us girls in. As i kept looking for this hat through some old boxes, i found an old diary. It was more of a prayer journal and it had pages of important subjects to me that were in the study bible that i had at the time. Quotes from certain passages or some of the discussions i had written down, as i was passing through this old journal, i was just fastly and vaguely, reading and flipping page after page. I suddenly went back as a word caught my eye and i say that i had written the word 'Rape'. As i was reading the words i had written about this subject, i was in awe. I had no words to describe the feeling that was overwhelming me. Three years ago, i wrote about the subject that has been haunting me for the past few months. As i kept reading over and over and over the words i written i suddenly just dropped to my knee's and i said to myself, "Oh my god."
              Three innocent unknowing years ago, i wrote about Rape. I put some notes into my journal and somethings i was discussing with myself...

                                "What if the person you feel strongly about rapes you? You want to enjoy it but you know it's wrong. Is rape a sin to the one who is raped? If you're raped do you deserve it? The simple answer is no. God would never wish this upon someone. God is not the god of this world, the Devil is and the devil wants to hurt us and destroy us. (2 Corinthians 4:4) God has a plan for every milestone in your life, maybe somethings change but he will use them for good. So do not fear my daughter, for i love you and will wash away every tear and every stain."

              Who would've known. That three years ago i was basically writing to my future self. If that's not freaky i dont know what is. I'm not saying this was meant to happen to me, but i do think i was meant to find this journal passage.

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Live. Laugh. Love.

             Do you ever wonder where life will take you? A year ago, i would've never thought i'd be in cyber school, single and barely talking to any of my friends that were basically my life. I never would've thought that i would give up the partying scene because of something bad happening to me. I'm not mad i quit the partying scene, it was my choice, my choice to grow up. But on the bright side a year ago i wouldn't have expected myself to be having a great photography career, talking to the man of my dreams, and besides the rough patches; be on the road to a great, successful, vivacious life. Sure i'll most likely never to go to my junior or senior prom that I've dreamed about my whole life, but i'll be finishing school and working on my business instead of being in school with a bunch of fake friends. I'm no one special, I've realized that years ago, I'm just a normal day stressed out teenager who's been through too many "grown-up" situations, but i also no matter how much i say it when im sad and down, i'd never take it back. My life the way it is, sure i get depressed but if i can help one person get through some of the same shit I've been through, it'll all be worth the wild. Yes, i want to travel to foreign countries because i have a compassion for others and a passion for helping people who otherwise don't know where to turn. Even if i never got the chance to fulfill my dreams of traveling to other countries i'd be worth it just to help people here, in my own country. But, if i had to choose between living a perfectly happy life and never having the things happen to me like they did, or going through some rough patches, being suicidal, being torn and lost but helping other teens, young children and adults get through the hell they are living; i wouldn't take a second back. Not only can i relate to people, but someday when my little girl is all grown up and the first boy she has a crush on breaks her heart, not only will mommy be there to comfort her but i'll be there to tell her life goes on and someday some boy will treat you with all the love and respect you deserve, and i'm here to prove it. I guess i'm writing this to remind myself why i live everyday, why i'm still here, because without my passion for others and my love for my future family i wouldn't be here. I would've gave up a long time ago, and when i'm ready to give up again, i'll just have to read this and remind myself that "I'm worth it."

The day that changed everything

December 31, 2011.
        What a way to start out the new year, new beginnings, new goals, new people, new decisions all altered by a fateful, regretted night. There are days when i wont go a second thinking about this day and its events, but there are days where it's all i dwell on. How i could've changed it, how if i only had listened, how if i was only smart enough, and how i could've stopped those bastards. But i didn't, i was too weak, afraid, drunk, and delusional. The questions that still linger are often simple ones, like Why? Why did this happen to me? What did i do so wrong to deserve this? Was i such a horrible person that i deserved to have something horrible happen to me? Maybe i'm not even supposed to be here, maybe that was the way i was supposed to die. That night, cold, desperate, broken, drugged and confused. So if that's true, why am i still here?
         And if by some chance of fate this was supposed to happen to me, what am i going to use this for? I know i can maybe help other young girls and boys who have been in my situation but why did it have to be ME? Why was i the one chosen to get bruised and torn apart by 2 of the guys i trusted with my life. I used to say i wouldn't take this back because i want to help other by telling me story, but i do, i take it back, all of it. I wish i could. Months after the incident i still flinch when people grab me quickly and i'm not aware they were there, when someone comes into my room at night, and when im just home alone i swear i can hear them laughing. My heart shatters every time someone mentions the word rape or jokes about. I know i haven't dealt with this incident cause i was never ready, but will i ever be? I always feel like people tell me i have to move on, what happened was in the past and you need to keep it that way. But how am i supposed to keep something in the past when its brought up in daily conversations or when im reminded at least weekly of why im in Cyber School and why i have no friends and why i choke when i have to say the word, rape.
           What if someone can't accept me for who i am? For whats's happened to me? For the mistakes I've made and for the decisions I've chosen. What is this will be my downfall, the thing i said i wanted to help people with, the thing i wanted to outreach to those who have no one to talk too, what if it ends up killing me? Will it be worth it then?

The good and the bad

I've been thinking a lot. i've never wanted someone so badly but maybe im wrong for trying to steal someone else's man. I havent felt like this in so long so how could it be so wrong yet so unbelievably right. i'd kill the bitch that tried to steal my man but at the same time if he felt the same way i'd just let him go, no matter how much that'd hurt. my worst fear right now is that im nothing and i dont stand a chance. she has everything and i have nothing, im left to wait weeks to only get a few cherishable hours. But maybe that'll make it all worth the while in the future, to say i waited because i thought you were worth it and boy you were. There's also the undeniable fact that no matter what i truly don't feel that no matter what would happen while still in the relationship or close to the end, the decision won't be made to choose me. But, can i blame you? Is it so wrong to love someone even though there with someone else? Whats right and wrong when it comes to love? Who honestly knows, no one if you ask me.

Felt the need to put some thinspiration on here, and to remind myself why i'm fat 

Don't go breakin' my heart

I have to say some of my biggest fears are ghosts, the dark, and a gory death but most of all, the thing that scares me most...Is that no one will ever love me. That no one will ever choose to spend the rest of their life with me. That all those haunting memories that i wasn't good enough will come back and beat me up and tell me once again I'm just not good enough and i never will be, that there's nothing i can do to deserve a man's love. I feel like its not too much to ask, for someone to love me. But than again maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm to complicated and too broken to be loved. Who really knows what love is anyway? To me it's different than your opinion of love and im sure of societies. I think when you're in love you just know, there's not really a way to explain it but you just know. I do believe everyone deserves to be loved, as i said previously, but what if im wrong? What if people like me don't deserve it or we are meant for a greater purpose or we are just supposed to be that one family member who could never find someone who wanted to be their all. I often wonder if he was right...That no one could love me. No one could find it in them to give me all the love and joy i wanted. That i wasn't good enough and i didn't deserve to be treated that well... sometimes i wonder if that's why i settled with him for months during the end of our relationship. Because i believed him, i believed i would never find someone better. I won't lie though, i thoroughly believe every guy is lying to me when they tell me sweet, kind and nice things to me. It was burnt into my mind that i wasn't good enough, that i was fat and ugly and uncapable of being loved. It is very hard for me to let guys in, it may take weeks for me to believe them, maybe months. But when i stick around and think you're worth it, please, please believe me. I don't stick around for just any guy, i am so afraid of being heartbroken again. So its very hard for me to even talk to guys, your lucky if i reply to a message for pure fear that you'll just lie to me and hurt me even if those aren't your intentions. And when i say "you mean the world to me" you best know i'm falling damn hard for you, if im not in love with you already and that my heart will get broken no matter how much i tell you to not worry about me. Love is so very important to me, i will do anything to please the man that has my 'heart' i refuse to let him leave me and have him say it was my fault. I won't lie i will still always think if a guy i love leaves me, i will always think its my fault. Cause ill go back to what i said before, maybe i'm just not good enough for someone and maybe im not meant to be loved. Who knows, honestly. All i know is that i would give up and pick up anything for someone i loved, but it seems no ones every willing to do that for me...but maybe its just the way its supposed to be...

To start...

I'm just a simple teenage girl, maybe more complicated but maybe that just makes me, me. I look at the world a lot differently than most people. I don't just judge someone from there past or there mistakes. People can't always help there past and sometimes whether you choose to believe it or not we all make mistakes and most of us regret them. It's life, a lot of times its what we wanted at some point, but we grow up, we change and we realize the things we used to want aren't what we want anymore. I am the way i am from my experiences in life, and yes some of them i would rather have not gone through but i also wouldn't be the person i am today. I appreciate what is given to me and although i may get mad at my parents, or my sisters, at the end of the day i realize to be thankful for them because not everyone was given loving parents, siblings, a home, food and clothes.
I often say i am a hopeless romantic. Love is very important to me, as well as happiness. I think everyone deserves to be happy and most of loved. I won't lie i get very jealous seeing couples or like right now both of my sisters are pregnant and married...that kinda kills me on the inside. I'm all alone ya know? I don't know what its like to have someone there for you all the time anymore, it seems like a distant memory. A long, overdue, lonesome, painful, and regretful memory. There isn't a day that goes by that i'm not reminded of the pain i have gone through in my life. I could go on and on but i figure i have to have to do more than one blog post ya know?
I'm a very cautious person when it comes to trust, I've either had prior reasons to trust you or i just have a feeling. Sometimes my feeling is wrong, and i get hurt but everyone does i suppose. I have every reason not to trust people, from the time i was very young i couldn't trust people. My sisters told on me, every single friend I've ever had has went behind my back and have lied to my face about it, i honestly don't know how I'm not a lesbian when it comes to trusting boys because i seriously can't tell you how many times i have been hurt and broken by men but than again its not like women have been any kinder to me.
Outcasted, alone, torn, and broken are only a few things I've had to endure. Maybe the things I've gone through are nothing. Ya know? Maybe one persons troubles are another persons easy life, like its nothing to them. Well i guess that's all for now, i've got a lot to tell so stick around, if anybody actually reads this shit besides me...