No one reads this so i figure i mind as well say what im thinking, right? But i kinda feel like a hardcore nasty bitch for saying the things i think in my head. I guess i won't say everything cause if by some chance someone does read this they might send me to get some anger management.
Is it bad when all i can do is think of you with her? Think of you touching her and her touching you. Laughing, smiling, kissing, (barf)...i get so overwhelmed with the thoughts of someone having you, and its not me. I know she had you before me and it makes me sick to my stomach but i just cant get over it. I just want to punch a wall thinking of it now. It makes me so angry and sad at the same time. I just feel like if i really was good enough you would pick me. 'Cause you could do that, it happens all the time. Also, i feel like and i dont mean this to sound like a bitch but if you're going to cheat on someone, especially when its been more than once...they deserve to know. If you have any respect for them, they deserve to know and make the decision of what they want to do with that information. If you ask me any girl would be crazy to take someone back after they cheated on them more than once with different girls...insecure? I'd say so. I'm just a mess, i'm so pissed off and i can't take this stress. The anger is building up and i can't blow it out on anyone and even if i do i get no end result. So with all this anger built up i take it to a razor. Which is unhealthy, and i probably shouldnt do it but its my comfort and no it doesnt release all the anger and it will never be gone til youre mine but maybe at least if i take the pain on myself it will make me feel better, because sometimes i feel like i deserve it. The pain, anger, disappointment and sadness just overwhelms me and at any second of the day i will just start balling and have to run off to a different room. I'm sick of this i just want to be yours.
Now, for my other hell. Why, why, WHY, must you play with my heart? I have loved you for almost a year now, and every time i've ever gotten close to a boy and you found out about it, you made me feel so horrible and that you would be with me so i'd drop them dead to be with you but you'd just drop me within a week or two. Stop playing with my heart, its fragile. Don't call me to tell me you love me, because you know i will always say it back. My heart will always belong to you until you tell me to let go. And that day, weeks, months, while i have to let go will be the worst days of my life. I have loved you more than someone i was with for a year, i was never even your girl. But for some reason you stole my heart the moment i saw you and for some reason you just dont "love" me the way you used to tell me that you did. It kills me. It kills me to see that you took another girl to prom, when on the night when we danced in front of a stage among thousands of people you told me you wanted to take me to prom and that no other girl could replace me...but it seems someone did, or that i didnt even come across your mind.
Its funny cause with all that said, that doesnt even say all the things that are running through my head. The pain i feel right now is just breaking me to pieces.
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