An update

Ive started a new blog that has to do with all of my thoughts and walk with the Lord. Im going to leave this blog for other things that pop in my head...

http://daughteroftheking1995.blogspot.com/

I'll take an apple martini and a night of crying... to go.

I'm sick of constantly feeling heartbroken and having my heart broken. I am never good enough for you. I would do absolutely anything for you. I stick up for you all the time, i have never once broken your trust and i have always been there for you when you needed me. But it isn't in return, you have ignored me, pushed me to the side and used me. I hate feeling like an option to someone who i have made a priority. Why do you call me baby and tell im beautiful and make me feel like im the best thing ever but then other times you make me feel like im just worthless...

Why doesn't anyone make me a priority? I am really sick of the same answer every time  I'm a really amazing girl, I'm super sweet, I'll be an amazing wife and daughter but im not the one for you. Am i going to be told that forever? I just want someone who accepts me and wants to be with me, someone i don't have to fight for. I write about it all the time and its just so frustrating saying the same thing and still nothing happens. Some people just don't even give me a chance or all they look at me as is sex. Thats highly annoying, if you want sex, tell me. Dont lie to me.

This town is worthless

I am so sick of fake people. When do people honestly grow up? I thought i escaped the drama when i left high school but obviously people cant mind their own business. It blows my mind how immature people are, no matter the age. Someone who I thought was my really good friend had the nerve to tell me that "I didn't have any room to talk" when i mentioned that my best friend has a boyfriend and that she shouldn't be talked to another guy. I have NEVER cheated on someone, so that right there just extremely annoyed me. You don't know anything about my personal life, sure when im single i will talk to multiple people. But when i am in a relationship, I am in that relationship 100% committed. I haven't been in a real relationship for almost 2 years, so yeah i still talk to other guys because no guy has proven to me that i should be giving him my all. One way or another someone always shows me their true colors.

It never ceases to amaze me, you would think i wouldn't be surprised when people show who they really are.  I'm so ready to start fresh, make new ties, leave the bad ones behind and experience new things and people.

Now just to get lots and lots of money. I just need an internship or some source that will let me leave. Or a man, that would be nice...

I try to trust

I try to trust God with my health. I don't like going to the doctors, being on medicine because i feel like God will heal everything. But I've been putting it off too long. My anxiety today was just over the top. The worst part is there is nothing i can do about. Nothing makes me feel better. I get so overwhelmed. I will be fine for days, sometime weeks and then all the sudden one day i will just start thinking about all the troubles in my life, the problems, the stresses or the issues i need to deal with.

My heart beats fast, i feel nauseous, my mind is just running a thousand miles an hour and my hands will slightly shake. I just couldn't stop thinking about all the schoolwork i need to do, all the money i need, my relationship problems, my friends or the friends i don't have, work, and i get so sad knowing that nothing helps these feelings. I feel alone in it, i don't like complaining to people and what its worth i feel like no one really cares and no one understands. People say well just calm down and relax, i can't. I've tried, believe me, I've tried. I feel abandoned when it happens. I slept for 12 hours tonight/today trying to just run away from it. I just really wish i had someone to comfort me and talk things through with. I don't have friends i truly trust or that understand. I don't have someone I love to talk to and i almost always refuse to talk to my parents/sisters about my problems. I don't need them worrying or sad about me.

I just really hate not having anyone who understands me. No one who sees me or tries to get me. I have such a loving heart but no one sees the pain i hide some days.  I just wish someone would see past my smile im putting on and the scream im hiding.

Dear God,
Please make me strong when i have no hope. Please give me love when i feel like i have none and give me eyes to see past the troubles of what im facing right now.

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31