Why do you do this to me?

I'm starting to be normal and for a lack of words happy again. But i still can't get past this feeling of well loneliness and just kinda letting go. Giving up, i don't know its always in the back of my mind. Like temporary happiness. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. My heart and brain are in a constant battle, i never know which one i should listen too. There's something about love and happiness that if you ask me, everyone longs for. But, there's also this sense of pain that comes along with love and happiness, for me. Reminders, that everyone i've ever loved and everything thats ever made me happy; has let me down or pushed me away. I'm afraid of living life. Cause i know that if i have one more major heartbreak, i can't take it. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.