Pondering

Honestly, i just don't like writing on this thing sometimes. There's a lot of past hurt and pain and memories that I've written on here, but i guess i can't just erase them. The memories that is.

I try to move on with issues and then it seems more just pop on up. What is seriously up with guys being such assholes? 2 ex's come back in 2 weeks time, begging me, telling me im such a great person that they threw a great thing into the trash. Well ya know what you did and im gracious enough to be willing to be allow you to try and be friends with me and what do you do? You go around acting like you rule the world again and you don't. You don't control me and I am soooo sick of people thinking they can just push me around. I am a good person. I deserve so much better than this bull in life.

I know It seems that I write on here when I'm angry with God, but i guess it is. I don't feel right yelling at Him, so i write it. When am i going to get my happy ending? I turned my life around for you. I just thought maybe i could be happy again, for once. Ever since that day it seems like my life has been in the hole. What more do you want from me? The only thing I've ever asked for in this life is to have someone else, someone else to hold, to care for, to love with all my heart and it always seems like they walk away. I know you have an ultimate plan for me God, but i am so very impatient. Maybe you're trying to break my impatience and tell me to wait and hold on for you. I know this is the worst way ever to think of it but sometimes i just feel like its my turn to get something, i do things for others all the time and it seems like i never get anything in return. I get screwed. Maybe, that's what your trying to tell me. You did everything for everybody and still you were crucified.

I think i figured out why i write it, because i get angry than realize things. But still with all that said i really wish i just knew that you have a plan for me and where its going to lead me.