No one can erase these memories

For some odd reason i just feel like crying. I feel like its been awhile and for some reason i can't sway myself away from the slow music that brings memories rushing back. Memories of the lonely nights, the sorrow... the pain. The nights where'd jolt out of my sleep because i was having a nightmare or i thought someone was in my room. The nights where i didn't sleep at all or i had to cry myself to sleep because i was so scared someone was going to come back and hurt me... again. Do you know what its like when some of your closest friends, just take something from you. They don't even ask, they just assume. I'm not just talking about a pencil, i'm talking about something that was once one of the most precious things in the world to a young christian girl. Yes, i admit sex wasn't that precious to me at one point in my life and i'll admit i still think its something sacred but it sucks when your friends just take the freedom from you. December 31, will be a year. I'm still sad about it. They say its something you'll never forget, i never used to believe them. But i do now. I used to close my eyes and hope that when i opened them I'd either be dead or i wouldn't have a recollection of that night. I don't care what anybody says no one deserves to be raped, no matter what situation, no matter what circumstances, no one deserves that life long memory and pain. To this day it hurts me to say the word rape and i used to so openly joke about. Days can go buy without my feeling a thing but there's always something that triggers these feelings and honestly tonight i'm not sure what it is. I just feel alone and unsure about life.. And its getting to me.

Just some thoughts

Who would've known i'd feel like this. Caught me a year or two ago i wouldn't have given two shits about God. But over a few months I've come to realize God has been my savior all along and He and only Him has saved me from my torture. He has brought me through my hard times and i would be no where without the love of my heavenly Father. Therefore that is why i want everyone i know to know God and his love. He has saved me from every possible thing i could imagine and he will always be there for you no matter how far away you feel. "Just ask and you shall receive." To me, if you are a good person, what is so wrong and so horrible about just adding to that. Doing the work of God, his son sacrificed himself for us, for our sins. So that we could have everlasting life in heaven with Him and his Father. Why would you not want to spread that love? A love so deep and so pure, so precious. God would sacrifice his flesh and blood for us. He wants us to be happy, he gives us freedom a choice. Yes we don't have to choose him, we don't have to follow him. He gives us a choice because he loves us. But with that choice comes a consequence  You don't choose God, Jesus, than you choose Satan. There is no in between. To me, following God isn't this huge burden. He won't strike you dead or send you straight to Hell for making mistakes for not following everything in the Bible. He knows humans aren't perfect and that we make mistakes. But the whole point is to ask for forgiveness because he will forgive us and take away our burdens.  I make mistakes every day of my life. I'm not way near perfect or an image of Jesus. I curse, have sex and occasionally will do illegal acts. But you know what i'm still learning and i'm still in my walk with God, I admit i have a far way to go but at least i'm trying.

Let me spill it out for ya...

I have honestly never been so furious in my life. I try not to hate people but sometimes i just can't help it. My anger gets the best of me and my bitch comes out. I honestly don't know what to believe right now, i love you with all my heart but you cheating on me is the worst fear i have about our relationship. Yeah before you said there is no evidence to prove you ever have done or would cheat on me but after seeing a few of those texts from "tool" you don't have me so convinced. There is something about her that just pulls my buttons more than anything and I've hated people before and i can honestly say she is on my top list. I do not want to be humiliated and nonetheless by that bitch. God i am fuming right now i could honestly punch a wall...

what to do...

I don't know why i am so unexplainbly  sad and depressed today. Everything is rushing back, every feeling of abandonment, loneliness, failure, loser, not good enough... every guy thats broken my heart is just running through my mind, every inch of pain they caused me is just screaming at me and right now the only way i know how to deal with that kind of pain is through a razor blade. And i want it so bad.

Looking back...

Today are my senior portraits. Its weird cause im the photographer and im gunna be the one posing haha i hope i can. But looking back and thinking of this day its bittersweet. I wont be handing out photos to all my teachers or to all friends at school. Cause i dont have any of that. It really sucks. I really try hard to say im strong and dont miss high school but i do and i always knew from a long time ago i would miss high school but not because of these circumstances. Life fuckin sucks sometimes, but im not letting anything bring me down today. Im going to be feel like a beautiful skinny quirky girl today. Peace kimo sabe.

Got me thinking

Ronan << worth listening to, most touching song ever

Well if my boyfriends doing this again, i mine as well try too as well.

I know im not a mother but my heart is and honestly my love and prayers go out to every mother who's had to watch their child die. I can only imagine the pain that is and i pray i will never know of it. To hold the child you gave birth to in your arms and telling them goodbye and trying to not be sad and scared, trying to be brave for them. I just dont know how some mothers do it, you are brave women. Why God lets thing happen, nobodies really sure, but if theirs one thing I've learned as that everything really does happen for a reason. And if theirs something else i've learned is that Jesus isn't the ruler of this world, the devil is and im fully convinced thats why bad things happened and also just because we as humans sin and with sin comes consequences. But with that said God will never let something happen that we can't handle. I've learned many things over the years and through the trials i have to say there is something i still don't understand but i know someday i will and someday i will be able to use the things that caused me pain and desperation will be used for good and to help others who may be going through the same situation. Its not always easy, losing a loved one, having something or someone for that matter being taken away so soon or maybe just being dealt a wrong hand of cards but all in all i have faith that God will make it all right and sometimes i will admit it is really really hard for me to believe in God and believe he is their for me. But i have to do it. I always used to say (in my stubborn, "i dont care" years) that i made it out myself, the trials, i made it out on my own. But i do realize that i would've never made it out if it wasnt for the love God has for me and his children. Its a great love that can't be expressed. You know sometimes when i think about i realize i never really have cried to anyone about what happened to me, its really hard because its really really hard for me to believe God was there for me. But as i see it, God turns his head when he choose wrong, and i chose wrong that night. It hurts. But i know God was there, i do. I just havent fully  trusted God with my life and i know someday i will have to do that. I know im a stubborn girl and eventually i will have to hand it all over and say "take the reigns". No matter what trials i go through i thank you for being there for me even when i thought you weren't.

Welp that was a jumbled mess, but whatever.

I cry in silence

I think im done. I'm sick and tired of not being good enough for you. I feel like nothing to you, absolutely nothing. I feel you forget me. I'm crying every night, for what? You don't hear me and you don't care because you do nothing about it. It hurts like fucking shit. This. I just want a chance but im not even worth it. Im just a depressed fuck who cuts away her feelings. I just don't understand, i really really don't. Why don't i deserve love? Murders and rapists get love and i get nothing. I'm starting to wonder why im here again, why i'm even here because i feel nothing but loneliness and being worthless. I just wish someone would prove to me that im worth being here, worth being alive. Cause sometimes i just don't even think anybody feels that way or even thinks about it. I just wanna cut cut cut cut cut but people are starting to ask about my scars at work and why i wear band aids and im running out of excuses. This is just too unbearable right now. The thought of you and not ever choosing me. Im just a big FAT loser, im pathetic. I feel empty, cold and numb but no one wants to save me. Im just falling back into my black hole, i'm letting my monster come back. I feel worthless, no one wants me and that kills me inside.