bitch

I have an anger building up in me and it would honestly make me the happiest person ever to just fucking watch you burn...

An update

Ive started a new blog that has to do with all of my thoughts and walk with the Lord. Im going to leave this blog for other things that pop in my head...

http://daughteroftheking1995.blogspot.com/

I'll take an apple martini and a night of crying... to go.

I'm sick of constantly feeling heartbroken and having my heart broken. I am never good enough for you. I would do absolutely anything for you. I stick up for you all the time, i have never once broken your trust and i have always been there for you when you needed me. But it isn't in return, you have ignored me, pushed me to the side and used me. I hate feeling like an option to someone who i have made a priority. Why do you call me baby and tell im beautiful and make me feel like im the best thing ever but then other times you make me feel like im just worthless...

Why doesn't anyone make me a priority? I am really sick of the same answer every time  I'm a really amazing girl, I'm super sweet, I'll be an amazing wife and daughter but im not the one for you. Am i going to be told that forever? I just want someone who accepts me and wants to be with me, someone i don't have to fight for. I write about it all the time and its just so frustrating saying the same thing and still nothing happens. Some people just don't even give me a chance or all they look at me as is sex. Thats highly annoying, if you want sex, tell me. Dont lie to me.

This town is worthless

I am so sick of fake people. When do people honestly grow up? I thought i escaped the drama when i left high school but obviously people cant mind their own business. It blows my mind how immature people are, no matter the age. Someone who I thought was my really good friend had the nerve to tell me that "I didn't have any room to talk" when i mentioned that my best friend has a boyfriend and that she shouldn't be talked to another guy. I have NEVER cheated on someone, so that right there just extremely annoyed me. You don't know anything about my personal life, sure when im single i will talk to multiple people. But when i am in a relationship, I am in that relationship 100% committed. I haven't been in a real relationship for almost 2 years, so yeah i still talk to other guys because no guy has proven to me that i should be giving him my all. One way or another someone always shows me their true colors.

It never ceases to amaze me, you would think i wouldn't be surprised when people show who they really are.  I'm so ready to start fresh, make new ties, leave the bad ones behind and experience new things and people.

Now just to get lots and lots of money. I just need an internship or some source that will let me leave. Or a man, that would be nice...

I try to trust

I try to trust God with my health. I don't like going to the doctors, being on medicine because i feel like God will heal everything. But I've been putting it off too long. My anxiety today was just over the top. The worst part is there is nothing i can do about. Nothing makes me feel better. I get so overwhelmed. I will be fine for days, sometime weeks and then all the sudden one day i will just start thinking about all the troubles in my life, the problems, the stresses or the issues i need to deal with.

My heart beats fast, i feel nauseous, my mind is just running a thousand miles an hour and my hands will slightly shake. I just couldn't stop thinking about all the schoolwork i need to do, all the money i need, my relationship problems, my friends or the friends i don't have, work, and i get so sad knowing that nothing helps these feelings. I feel alone in it, i don't like complaining to people and what its worth i feel like no one really cares and no one understands. People say well just calm down and relax, i can't. I've tried, believe me, I've tried. I feel abandoned when it happens. I slept for 12 hours tonight/today trying to just run away from it. I just really wish i had someone to comfort me and talk things through with. I don't have friends i truly trust or that understand. I don't have someone I love to talk to and i almost always refuse to talk to my parents/sisters about my problems. I don't need them worrying or sad about me.

I just really hate not having anyone who understands me. No one who sees me or tries to get me. I have such a loving heart but no one sees the pain i hide some days.  I just wish someone would see past my smile im putting on and the scream im hiding.

Dear God,
Please make me strong when i have no hope. Please give me love when i feel like i have none and give me eyes to see past the troubles of what im facing right now.

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 

Passion that's forever

I can only choose words to express myself and my feelings. I don't think there is enough words that i could find to explain the person that i am and the person i am looking for.

The trials i have been through in my life, they make me who i am. Some things made me strong, some made me weak, some made me wise and some made me easily breakable but above all they made me a better person. I am looking for my soul mate, someone who sees every single quality, flaw and detail about me. I want a man who when i tell my life story to he looks at me with love and instantly i feel comforted. That when i explain the hell I've been through he doesn't feel pity for me but he sees strength, kindness, compassion and love in my eyes. I want someone who sees my worry, my tears and my sincerity about our relationship as passion for our love. Not a bad sign, but a sign that i am in this for the long run and never want anything to ruin that. I don't like explaining myself. I want the man who is my forever, to see my huge heart, to see my compassion, my love, my forgiveness, kindness, sincerity, overall sweet heart without me having to tell him about it. I want a man who i can wait to tell my past too, who I'm not afraid will run away if i don't tell him right away. I want someone to comfort me to keep me safe.

This is isn't exactly how i planned on starting out this blog post. I just have been waiting so long for someone to have my heart again. To give someone my  heart and not have it shattered. I want my gentleman who opens the door for me, who calls me beautiful everyday, who shows me his love without me having to ask for it, who sees the very best in me and the very worst but still sees me as the most amazing woman ever, i want someone who is compassionate, dedicated, driven and makes me a better person everyday. I want a love so strong, a passion that last a life time. A passion that last forever, that when we are old and weary that we still wake up with smiles on our faces that the one we live is right next to us. I want to get married, hear those little footsteps on the wood floor and the burst into mommy and daddy's room to wake us up, i want the fights, the tears, the hardships, but most importantly the love because all of those things make up the best thing in life. Memories. The hard things that people work through make you stronger, together. Not only do you get to walk side be side in life but you get to be one.

I am not saying that anyone deserves the best in life because honestly no one does its by the grace of God we are here. But what i am saying is i deserve all of that. I deserve the man who protects my heart with every ounce of his body and never lets it start to wilt. Im sick of fighting for love, i don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to worry every night whether or not I'm being played. So many men don't understand how many times i have been hurt, i just don't think they fathom that. They take my hurt and my pain as immaturity maybe and being broken and maybe not ready. But that is far from it, yes it hurts. The past hurts but i am not broken, i am strong and i am more than ever ready to share my life and my love with someone.

My soul yearns for you

How is it that I am so in love with my husband and maybe I've never even met him yet? I am in love with the thought of you, the thought of having you by my side, caring for you, loving you and cherishing you.

I haven't figured out where my life is going to lead me or how I'm to get to the places I'm supposed to be, I can only hope that on the journey i find you. I know for a fact i am going to be an amazing wife, mother and friend to my children. I can only hope that God blesses me with them at the perfect time in my life and until then i will praise you everyday. I know you are trying to teach me patience, I am probably the most impatient person ever. As i was holding my nephew, Evan, in worship today i found myself almost in tears of how precious of a gift he was and how i cannot wait to have one on my own. I just felt you telling me 'all in time my daughter.' I have such a passion for children, they are the future, they are amazing gifts and they just ignite this fire inside my heart when there little face smiles at me.

I would love to go to foreign countries as prophetic men of God have told me I am to do, to show the 'little brown children' the love of God. They have such a big place in my heart and maybe that's where i belong. Not focusing on my husband 24/7 that I don't have yet. Not that i don't love you and the thought of you but maybe when im least expecting it, it'll happen. There are just so many lost children out there who don't know the love of their heavenly Father. My heart breaks when i think of these children all alone, cold, scared and hungry. We take for granted everyday the things we have. Even without thinking about it, I know i do.

So God, i ask of you...If this is where I am supposed to be, show me the way, give me the opportunities and send me on my way to send love and your word to the children and even adults who need to see your light and grace.

"My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you." Isaiah 26:9

Maybe a fresh start

 Not that i don't love my family, coworkers, my few friends, my nieces and nephews I just feel like i need to get away. I've been saying it for a long time but i can actually feel myself trying to make it happen and realize why it needs to happen. This town has nothing left for me. I can't grow here. Emotionally, business wise, physically, with my relationships and in my growth as an adult. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in a never ending circle. Everything is the same here, same people, same things, same atmosphere. If i really do have this ultimate plan of ministering to little children in foreign countries then i need to get out of here because im never going to face that opportunity. I just really need to put my full trust in God to have this figured out for me cause an 18 year old who pays all her bills and has no help i will definitely need some financial help moving away to strengthen myself as an individual.       



So i guess here it goes. Goodbye to the past. I'm moving on, I'm not letting men control my life, I'm letting the only man i need in my life control it, and he will be the man to dance with me until he allows someone willing to cut in.
Here's goodbye to the "I'll do it later." Get healthy, now. Not later. Here's hasta la vista to my fears and mistakes. Because God has full control and knows what he's doing way more than i do.

•  Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
• Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
• Psalm 37:5,6 - Commit your way to the Lord trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
• Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Pondering

Honestly, i just don't like writing on this thing sometimes. There's a lot of past hurt and pain and memories that I've written on here, but i guess i can't just erase them. The memories that is.

I try to move on with issues and then it seems more just pop on up. What is seriously up with guys being such assholes? 2 ex's come back in 2 weeks time, begging me, telling me im such a great person that they threw a great thing into the trash. Well ya know what you did and im gracious enough to be willing to be allow you to try and be friends with me and what do you do? You go around acting like you rule the world again and you don't. You don't control me and I am soooo sick of people thinking they can just push me around. I am a good person. I deserve so much better than this bull in life.

I know It seems that I write on here when I'm angry with God, but i guess it is. I don't feel right yelling at Him, so i write it. When am i going to get my happy ending? I turned my life around for you. I just thought maybe i could be happy again, for once. Ever since that day it seems like my life has been in the hole. What more do you want from me? The only thing I've ever asked for in this life is to have someone else, someone else to hold, to care for, to love with all my heart and it always seems like they walk away. I know you have an ultimate plan for me God, but i am so very impatient. Maybe you're trying to break my impatience and tell me to wait and hold on for you. I know this is the worst way ever to think of it but sometimes i just feel like its my turn to get something, i do things for others all the time and it seems like i never get anything in return. I get screwed. Maybe, that's what your trying to tell me. You did everything for everybody and still you were crucified.

I think i figured out why i write it, because i get angry than realize things. But still with all that said i really wish i just knew that you have a plan for me and where its going to lead me.

giveaway

Hit up this website for an awesome chance at a great giveaway! 

http://cravemyphotography.com/blog/business-jump-start-giveaway/

My Story

I guess i could start off with i was born and raised in America. I was raised into a Christian family and it was always pushed down my throat. I have been insecure since the day i can remember. It has always haunted me. 

When i was 13. I was very naive like all young teens. I met a guy and thought i was in love. But you know how could i know what love was? And truthfully i didn't. I just knew people wanted it, people enjoyed it, and people did anything for it. He was about 3 years older than me. It started out well, he treated me nice, told me i was beautiful, that he could never find girl like me. He'd talk about our wedding, our home, our kids, everything. He made me think he was really into me and he told me he loved me. Well soon after he would tell me if you love me you'll send me pictures, if you love me you'll do this and that for me. Of course i did it, i didn't know any better. Well i'd do it. Then he'd leave me. He'd leave me, tell me i was fat, i was ugly and that no one could really love me. He repeated this for months. Coming back, treating me so nicely, than leaving with a bang. He always left me for another girl. This was when i started to self-harm. I honestly don't even remember. I was 13, how the hell did i know what that was? I do remember using scissors. I did it a few times, it stung and then i'd stop. He'd come back then he'd leave and i'd cut. Vicious cycle. I soon after stopped. 

A few years later i met my boyfriend of almost two years. So innocent it seemed. I was 15, him 18. I was a freshman and he was a senior. We met 9th period, i had photography class and he always worked on his pottery. It was so absolutely perfect. At first. We would go out to eat, stay up late on the phone, he treated me oh so good. I truthfully don't know where we went wrong. I think it all started when he lied to me about smoking. I'm not a fan of cigarette's. I couldn't trust him. Soon our relationship just went to ashes. We constantly fought, we always were in and out of the relationship but back together within days. When he would drink, he was a different person. I hated him when he was drunk. He pushed me against a door once because he was so angry at me because i saw him smoking a cigarette when he told me he had quit. As the relationship progressed it got worse. When i wouldn't have sex with him he made me feel so worthless, he would get so angry and he'd make me feel bad and tell me how i didn't love him and i didn't appreciate him. He wouldn't take me out places because he didn't want to spend his money on me. He called me all the names in the book. Told me i would be a whore without him, that if ever broke it off all i would be was a slut, that i wasn't pretty enough, that i was fat and that i was too dumb for anyone to love. 

Creation 2011. I met a guy while i was still dating the man above. I was so dumbfounded. I felt very guilty for hanging out with another guy but it felt so good. It felt so good for a stranger to be interested in me, for a stranger to tell me how beautiful, how funny, how kind, how caring, and how much i meant to him, a stranger. I broke up with my ex that night. I gave him no explanation, hours away i broke it off. I blocked him from my life, i chose to leave him and that day i will never forget. It was the hardest thing i had to do, but i had too. 

Back to summer 2011. Creation Festival. I met the one and only. The man who saved me from my torture. I was absolutely in love with him from the moment i saw him, from the moment he passed me, from the moment that he took his hand told me to come over to him, and from the moment he grabbed my hand and told me he loved me, i have been absolutely completely stunned by him. I could go on and on about how he made me feel like i was the only person in the world surrounded by 1,000 others but i'll keep going. Anyway, the week ended. We separated and promised we would never leave one another, that we were meant to be. He is 3 hours away from me. Just like every other guy in my life. He left. He stopped talking to me for months. One day he texted me and tells me how he misses me and he is so sorry for not texting me that he wanted to try to break it off and he thought that was the easiest way. He didn't think it would work, me and him, 3 hours away. I did of course. But he came back and i thought he'd stay. But once again he left, and would come back. He would tell me 'baby if you want me to be faithful you have to send me this, you have to talk like this'. Why i let him walk all over me, you tell me. I have no idea. But he will never love me back. We stopped talking for a few months again. 

Somewhere in between all of the chaos, was my best friend. She was the world to me. I told her basically everything. I've known her since 6th or 7th grade. She knows everything that ever went on with my relationships. She always saw how my ex's treated me and told me all the time to leave them but i never thought i could, never thought i was strong enough. But i did eventually or they'd leave me. Long story short with this one, i was talking to one of her guy friends that i had no idea she liked because she never told me. He started talking to me first and all of the sudden she texted me one day and told me not to talk to him anymore. So i asked why and she told me because he deserved better than me. He deserved better than a used whore. At that time i really wasn't i only had sex with one person.  

I mean the guy i spent a year of my life with thought i was a whore, my best friend thought i was slut so who cares because my whole world thinks i am. So i mine as well not care anymore, right? I was looking for someone to love me, i admit i looked in all the wrong places. All i really wanted was for someone to see me for everything that i am. But that never happened. This is hard for me to admit but i will. I would have sex with guy i thought i cared about and i thought cared about me. I thought 'maybe if i just have sex with them, they'll love me'...well that never happened. They all left, they all didn't care and they all left me with another memory that i was a worthless failure. 

December 31, 2011. Changed my life forever. I lied to my parents to get out of the house so i could go party like normal with who i thought was my best friend. Well my parents finally allowed me to "sleepover" my friends. She picked me up and we hung out until the New Years ball dropped. Then the fateful decision i made will have impacted my life, forever. We went to a good friends house party. We had drank before we even arrived and i was very intoxicated. We drank some more as we got there. Nothing new, everything seemed normal. Until my best friend asked me to go upstairs and get her jacket where we had dropped them off before. At this time, i was extremely under the influence. I could barely walk up the stairs, i was stumbling everywhere i went and i was in and out of consciousness. But anyway, i started walking up the stairs and i finally got to the top, where i was met by two of my pretty close guy friends. I've known them for years. I used to have a crush on the one. They took me from the corner and dragged me into a bedroom. They threw me on the bed, took of my clothes and forced me to have sex with each of them. I can still feel there grimy hands on me. I couldn't do anything, i was in such shock i didn't even know what to do. I was so drunk, the memory that haunts me is me laying there just crying and begging them to stop. After they were finished with me. They left. I layed there, just crying. My best guy friend came upstairs looking for me, and begged me to tell him what happened, he kept asking 'Did they hurt you? Alexis tell me'. I never answered.  He helped me put on my clothes and walked me in the bathroom, where i threw up and i had to put bandages on my bleeding body.

The next few days my body ached. The pain was  still there physically and it will always be there mentally. When i told my sister what happened, she told me 'That's what happens when you get to drunk. Bad things happen.' and she walked away. When my other sister found out 'I had a similar thing happen to me, but i kicked him away and i ran.' When my school found out, they thought it was consensual because that's what the boys told people of course. But i was a classified as a whore, and that i fucking deserved to be talked about like i was. Once it got out that i actually was raped i will NEVER forget what some people said. "I was just looking for attention, that i'm just a slut who doesn't want to admit it, that even if i was raped i deserved it because i was at a party." My best friend who was at that party and sat in the bathroom with me while i cried even denied it. She told people it was possible i just had sex with them and that you don't think those guys would do that. I soon after left that school, i couldn't stand seeing the guys that caused my pain, and the people who encouraged it. 

I started cutting again mid-January. It started out small, with scissors. It later progressed to razors. I have hundreds of cuts. I cut on my upper and lower arm. My stomach. My thighs. It is my getaway. It is the only thing that reminds me i am alive. Cutting brings me comfort in my hectic depressed suicidal life. I've attempted suicide multiple times. All failures, obviously. I also frequently try to starve my self or purge when i feel the need. I wish i didn't do these things, but it's the only way i know how to cope. Sometimes its the only way to remind myself that while i feel dead, im still alive. 

With all that said, there's my story. I'm sure i forgot somethings but if you ever want to talk just message me. I'm still fighting and I'm still surviving.

(Written February 2012)

It feels good to be happy...

Had a sleepover with the bestie's on Saturday. And i mean bestie's not backstabbing bitches who judge me. Bought me some sexy lingerie, im excited for Friday so i can actually show it off. I love surprises. But anyway i feel really really good, i have genuine friends that care about me and would do so much for me and vice versa. Bryan makes me really really happy even though my thoughts get the best of me sometimes i know that he really likes me and that makes me have butterflies inside. Although im not going to lie im not going to rush into this, im going to keep my options open. Just talk to a lot of people and see where things go and enjoy single life again.

Well thats all for now. Gotta go workout again.

No one can erase these memories

For some odd reason i just feel like crying. I feel like its been awhile and for some reason i can't sway myself away from the slow music that brings memories rushing back. Memories of the lonely nights, the sorrow... the pain. The nights where'd jolt out of my sleep because i was having a nightmare or i thought someone was in my room. The nights where i didn't sleep at all or i had to cry myself to sleep because i was so scared someone was going to come back and hurt me... again. Do you know what its like when some of your closest friends, just take something from you. They don't even ask, they just assume. I'm not just talking about a pencil, i'm talking about something that was once one of the most precious things in the world to a young christian girl. Yes, i admit sex wasn't that precious to me at one point in my life and i'll admit i still think its something sacred but it sucks when your friends just take the freedom from you. December 31, will be a year. I'm still sad about it. They say its something you'll never forget, i never used to believe them. But i do now. I used to close my eyes and hope that when i opened them I'd either be dead or i wouldn't have a recollection of that night. I don't care what anybody says no one deserves to be raped, no matter what situation, no matter what circumstances, no one deserves that life long memory and pain. To this day it hurts me to say the word rape and i used to so openly joke about. Days can go buy without my feeling a thing but there's always something that triggers these feelings and honestly tonight i'm not sure what it is. I just feel alone and unsure about life.. And its getting to me.

Just some thoughts

Who would've known i'd feel like this. Caught me a year or two ago i wouldn't have given two shits about God. But over a few months I've come to realize God has been my savior all along and He and only Him has saved me from my torture. He has brought me through my hard times and i would be no where without the love of my heavenly Father. Therefore that is why i want everyone i know to know God and his love. He has saved me from every possible thing i could imagine and he will always be there for you no matter how far away you feel. "Just ask and you shall receive." To me, if you are a good person, what is so wrong and so horrible about just adding to that. Doing the work of God, his son sacrificed himself for us, for our sins. So that we could have everlasting life in heaven with Him and his Father. Why would you not want to spread that love? A love so deep and so pure, so precious. God would sacrifice his flesh and blood for us. He wants us to be happy, he gives us freedom a choice. Yes we don't have to choose him, we don't have to follow him. He gives us a choice because he loves us. But with that choice comes a consequence  You don't choose God, Jesus, than you choose Satan. There is no in between. To me, following God isn't this huge burden. He won't strike you dead or send you straight to Hell for making mistakes for not following everything in the Bible. He knows humans aren't perfect and that we make mistakes. But the whole point is to ask for forgiveness because he will forgive us and take away our burdens.  I make mistakes every day of my life. I'm not way near perfect or an image of Jesus. I curse, have sex and occasionally will do illegal acts. But you know what i'm still learning and i'm still in my walk with God, I admit i have a far way to go but at least i'm trying.

Let me spill it out for ya...

I have honestly never been so furious in my life. I try not to hate people but sometimes i just can't help it. My anger gets the best of me and my bitch comes out. I honestly don't know what to believe right now, i love you with all my heart but you cheating on me is the worst fear i have about our relationship. Yeah before you said there is no evidence to prove you ever have done or would cheat on me but after seeing a few of those texts from "tool" you don't have me so convinced. There is something about her that just pulls my buttons more than anything and I've hated people before and i can honestly say she is on my top list. I do not want to be humiliated and nonetheless by that bitch. God i am fuming right now i could honestly punch a wall...

what to do...

I don't know why i am so unexplainbly  sad and depressed today. Everything is rushing back, every feeling of abandonment, loneliness, failure, loser, not good enough... every guy thats broken my heart is just running through my mind, every inch of pain they caused me is just screaming at me and right now the only way i know how to deal with that kind of pain is through a razor blade. And i want it so bad.

Looking back...

Today are my senior portraits. Its weird cause im the photographer and im gunna be the one posing haha i hope i can. But looking back and thinking of this day its bittersweet. I wont be handing out photos to all my teachers or to all friends at school. Cause i dont have any of that. It really sucks. I really try hard to say im strong and dont miss high school but i do and i always knew from a long time ago i would miss high school but not because of these circumstances. Life fuckin sucks sometimes, but im not letting anything bring me down today. Im going to be feel like a beautiful skinny quirky girl today. Peace kimo sabe.

Got me thinking

Ronan << worth listening to, most touching song ever

Well if my boyfriends doing this again, i mine as well try too as well.

I know im not a mother but my heart is and honestly my love and prayers go out to every mother who's had to watch their child die. I can only imagine the pain that is and i pray i will never know of it. To hold the child you gave birth to in your arms and telling them goodbye and trying to not be sad and scared, trying to be brave for them. I just dont know how some mothers do it, you are brave women. Why God lets thing happen, nobodies really sure, but if theirs one thing I've learned as that everything really does happen for a reason. And if theirs something else i've learned is that Jesus isn't the ruler of this world, the devil is and im fully convinced thats why bad things happened and also just because we as humans sin and with sin comes consequences. But with that said God will never let something happen that we can't handle. I've learned many things over the years and through the trials i have to say there is something i still don't understand but i know someday i will and someday i will be able to use the things that caused me pain and desperation will be used for good and to help others who may be going through the same situation. Its not always easy, losing a loved one, having something or someone for that matter being taken away so soon or maybe just being dealt a wrong hand of cards but all in all i have faith that God will make it all right and sometimes i will admit it is really really hard for me to believe in God and believe he is their for me. But i have to do it. I always used to say (in my stubborn, "i dont care" years) that i made it out myself, the trials, i made it out on my own. But i do realize that i would've never made it out if it wasnt for the love God has for me and his children. Its a great love that can't be expressed. You know sometimes when i think about i realize i never really have cried to anyone about what happened to me, its really hard because its really really hard for me to believe God was there for me. But as i see it, God turns his head when he choose wrong, and i chose wrong that night. It hurts. But i know God was there, i do. I just havent fully  trusted God with my life and i know someday i will have to do that. I know im a stubborn girl and eventually i will have to hand it all over and say "take the reigns". No matter what trials i go through i thank you for being there for me even when i thought you weren't.

Welp that was a jumbled mess, but whatever.

I cry in silence

I think im done. I'm sick and tired of not being good enough for you. I feel like nothing to you, absolutely nothing. I feel you forget me. I'm crying every night, for what? You don't hear me and you don't care because you do nothing about it. It hurts like fucking shit. This. I just want a chance but im not even worth it. Im just a depressed fuck who cuts away her feelings. I just don't understand, i really really don't. Why don't i deserve love? Murders and rapists get love and i get nothing. I'm starting to wonder why im here again, why i'm even here because i feel nothing but loneliness and being worthless. I just wish someone would prove to me that im worth being here, worth being alive. Cause sometimes i just don't even think anybody feels that way or even thinks about it. I just wanna cut cut cut cut cut but people are starting to ask about my scars at work and why i wear band aids and im running out of excuses. This is just too unbearable right now. The thought of you and not ever choosing me. Im just a big FAT loser, im pathetic. I feel empty, cold and numb but no one wants to save me. Im just falling back into my black hole, i'm letting my monster come back. I feel worthless, no one wants me and that kills me inside.

Stupid me...

As long the song goes, Ya know what hurts the most? Being so close then watching you walk away.
Does anybody else wonder if life's even worth it? I mean i'm not gunna lie im not in a horrible mood right now but there is always one thing running through my mind. How i'm not good enough for the person i love. That they can't make the decision to be with me. How any person in their right mind would've walked away by now and realized they dont deserve you but maybe im the one that doesnt deserve them and im supposed to just sit here and wait and hope they think i am good enough...

I basically just want to ball my eyes out thinking of how much i want you.

I have this scar on me. From when i was so angry at myself for letting myself fall for you and i thought i was going to lose you, so i made sure i was always reminded of how stupid i was. Therefore i put the word 'stupid' into my leg... how stupid.