I cry in silence

I think im done. I'm sick and tired of not being good enough for you. I feel like nothing to you, absolutely nothing. I feel you forget me. I'm crying every night, for what? You don't hear me and you don't care because you do nothing about it. It hurts like fucking shit. This. I just want a chance but im not even worth it. Im just a depressed fuck who cuts away her feelings. I just don't understand, i really really don't. Why don't i deserve love? Murders and rapists get love and i get nothing. I'm starting to wonder why im here again, why i'm even here because i feel nothing but loneliness and being worthless. I just wish someone would prove to me that im worth being here, worth being alive. Cause sometimes i just don't even think anybody feels that way or even thinks about it. I just wanna cut cut cut cut cut but people are starting to ask about my scars at work and why i wear band aids and im running out of excuses. This is just too unbearable right now. The thought of you and not ever choosing me. Im just a big FAT loser, im pathetic. I feel empty, cold and numb but no one wants to save me. Im just falling back into my black hole, i'm letting my monster come back. I feel worthless, no one wants me and that kills me inside.

Stupid me...

As long the song goes, Ya know what hurts the most? Being so close then watching you walk away.
Does anybody else wonder if life's even worth it? I mean i'm not gunna lie im not in a horrible mood right now but there is always one thing running through my mind. How i'm not good enough for the person i love. That they can't make the decision to be with me. How any person in their right mind would've walked away by now and realized they dont deserve you but maybe im the one that doesnt deserve them and im supposed to just sit here and wait and hope they think i am good enough...

I basically just want to ball my eyes out thinking of how much i want you.

I have this scar on me. From when i was so angry at myself for letting myself fall for you and i thought i was going to lose you, so i made sure i was always reminded of how stupid i was. Therefore i put the word 'stupid' into my leg... how stupid.

Pondering thoughts...

Sometimes i wish i was as pretty as the photographs i take...

Maybe some of us are too broken to be fixed

I often feel like i don't deserve to be loved and happy but then the next day or moment i'll be asking so much from someone. To love me, to break up with a girlfriend, to forget distance, to forget my past or just love me in general. I don't know if that makes me a hypocrite but sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it then other days that's all i think about is how i deserve to be happy.

Maybe i'm wrong for asking the man I've been in love with for over a year to even consider being in love with me again, maybe im crazy for thinking we could work from being hours away, maybe im wrong to ask for happiness and love. Maybe im wrong to ask the guy i could love with all of my heart to break up with his girlfriend, maybe im not good enough for him.  I've got a million things running through my head, but the overall questions is maybe im just not good enough for all of these things...

I leave a bitter taste with every word i say...

Do you believe in fate?
Or is there just luck and bad luck?
Or maybe the way your life is now (being shitty and all) was because of a past life, like you were jack the ripper and thats why youre going through so much shit now, because you deserve it.
But what if, all this shit, is just apart of God's ultimate plan? I ask myself this question a lot. As i was in my room, in the corner all curled up in ball, i yelled to God, and asked him 'why', 'why did you let this happen to me?' I cried and said 'how could you let this happen to me? How could you let me become so unhappy.' I yelled to him and said 'I lost everyone, including myself.'
So i'll ask the question again, is this all apart of a plan? Or maybe its fate, or just plain ole bad luck. Maybe i was some horrible person in a past life so horrible things happen to me. Maybe this life, filled with fear, unhappiness and troubles, is all im ever going to get. Maybe i'll never be happy again and maybe i'll never get to have a man who loves me.

hello hole? Would you let me crawl inside of you so i can just slip away...

I am a nobody, a nothing...

I feel triggered as fuck. I want to cry and cry and cry and just drown in my tears so i don't have to wake up. It's taking every ounce of me to not cut more than i did. If it wasnt for my stupid job and for summer being so hot i'd have cuts all up my arm and on my thighs, im so upset and down right now.

Wanna know a secret?

I still cut. And i mine as well add some more scars to my arms. I try so hard to please my parents, by not going out partying, by talking to them more so they dont feel out of my life, by obeying and so on and so on but whats the point? They still don't trust me. They still treat me like im 10 years old. Im sick of being treated like im a child and as if im the worst teenage daughter they've ever seen. Im sick of pouring my heart out to people who just leave me or dont give a shit about me in the end. Im sick of never being good enough for the people i love. Im sick of wanting so much in life but i always come out short. Im always a failure, no matter how hard i try i always come out with a big fat F. No one will ever love me, im too broken. Im much too used and much to wrong for anyone.

Sometimes i fall apart...

It's funny 'cause im that girl who smiles for the camera, laughs at jokes, keeps a conversation going but at the end of the night the things i try to push to the back of my head always return. I try to put a muzzle on my thoughts, memories, and fears but they just always comes back. Have you ever had a great day but at the end of the night sat on your bed, stared at the walls while some shuffled songs come on your iPod and you end up crying the pain away? I have a lot. I think i do this at least once a week, sometimes its so funny to me because people tell me i'm strong going through the things I've been through but maybe im not? Because at the end of the night everything falls apart and i let into those feelings of depression and loneliness and just desperation to feel something more.

RAMPAGE

Okay first off, you little ungrateful bitch.  Don't come crying to me begging me asking what to do and i give you my advice and how it works because ive been through every single piece of shit you can imagine. So don't come crying to me and then not listen, i am not going to waste my time giving you advice if its just not appreciated? You want to call those other sluts your friends all because they went to the movies with you and gave you pity?! Go fuckin for it, those arent real friends. There just telling you what you want to hear, NOT what you need to hear. Going back to your ex when you BOTH cheat on each other and he has called you on numerous occasions names and you guys have said and done things that cannot be taken back ISNT the solution to fixing your problems....its just gunna happen again, youre gunna break up and dont you dare come cryin back to me because i already fucking told you this would happen twice and yet you ignore me as and say that these other girls are your real friends because they are 'awh'ing and bitching about how horrible he is, when in reality they dont know the fucking truth that all you do is cheat on his ass when your with him so what the fuck is the point of this relationship. YOU ARE A DUMB FUCK. You need to grow the fuck up. You cant even go one day without spending it with a boy, youre a fucking attention whore.  So bitch, i am not going to buy a fucking gym membership so you can fuck my schedule to work around when you want to fuck around with your boyfriend or some other sad soul who decides to fuck with you. You get back with your boyfriend the day after you come to me crying and you spend the day with this other dumb bitch who sucks at damn relationships and hasnt even been your friend and hasnt even been there like i have been so listen to who you want its called fucking KARMA. Suddenly im not as important. So here's my message to you, FUCK YOU. Go play in traffic, they can't miss your ugly ass.

I feel as if my hearts breaking again...

            Is it to much to ask to be held just for one more night? One more night by you, with your warm body up against mine, your soft hands rubbing my arms, the chill of your breath on my neck, the sensation of feeling your heartbeat and the overwhelming happiness of your kiss. I just wanna be happy with you and sometimes i wonder if this happiness i long for is to much to ask for. I'm just really feeling like im really not supposed to be happy and that i wasn't settling, that the best i was ever gonna get i broke up with. I am so sick of being alone, im so sick of offering my love and my life to someone who never really wants it. I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want to not cry at night. I want a reason to be happy again. My kinda happiness.