Whats on my mind...

No one reads this so i figure i mind as well say what im thinking, right? But i kinda feel like a hardcore nasty bitch for saying the things i think in my head. I guess i won't say everything cause if by some chance someone does read this they might send me to get some anger management.

Is it bad when all i can do is think of you with her? Think of you touching her and her touching you. Laughing, smiling, kissing, (barf)...i get so overwhelmed with the thoughts of someone having you, and its not me. I know she had you before me and it makes me sick to my stomach but i just cant get over it. I just want to punch a wall thinking of it now. It makes me so angry and sad at the same time. I just feel like if i really was good enough you would pick me. 'Cause you could do that, it happens all the time. Also, i feel like and i dont mean this to sound like a bitch but if you're going to cheat on someone, especially when its been more than once...they deserve to know. If you have any respect for them, they deserve to know and make the decision of what they want to do with that information. If you ask me any girl would be crazy to take someone back after they cheated on them more than once with different girls...insecure? I'd say so. I'm just a mess, i'm so pissed off  and i can't take this stress. The anger is building up and i can't blow it out on anyone and even if i do i get no end result. So with all this anger built up i take it to a razor. Which is unhealthy, and i probably shouldnt do it but its my comfort and no it doesnt release all the anger and it will never be gone til youre mine but maybe at least if i take the pain on myself it will make me feel better, because sometimes i feel like i deserve it. The pain, anger, disappointment and sadness just overwhelms me and at any second of the day i will just start balling and have to run off to a different room. I'm sick of this i just want to be yours.

Now, for my other hell. Why, why, WHY, must you play with my heart? I have loved you for almost a year now, and every time i've ever gotten close to a boy and you found out about it, you made me feel so horrible and that you would be with me so i'd drop them dead to be with you but you'd just drop me within a week or two. Stop playing with my heart, its fragile. Don't call me to tell me you love me, because you know i will always say it back. My heart will always belong to you until you tell me to let go. And that day, weeks, months, while i have to let go will be the worst days of my life. I have loved you more than someone i was with for a year, i was never even your girl. But for some reason you stole my heart the moment i saw you and for some reason you just dont "love" me the way you used to tell me that you did. It kills me. It kills me to see that you took another girl to prom, when on the night when we danced in front of a stage among thousands of people you told me you wanted to take me to prom  and that no other girl could replace me...but it seems someone did, or that i didnt even come across your mind.

Its funny cause with all that said, that doesnt even say all the things that are running through my head. The pain i feel right now is just breaking me to pieces.

It's been awhile...

No matter how many times i give them the benefit of the doubt, i believe the lies and give them a chance hoping thinking they are different like they say. Maybe all the things people were telling me were lies were really the truth, the i'm not good enough's, the im fat, the im ugly, the im not smart, they were all true. Maybe i shouldn't believe anybody when they tell me differently., maybe i am a worthless piece of crap and i do deserve to be forever alone. I'll never be good enough for someone and that is something that is very hard to grasp. I've grown up thinking love is like this or like that but maybe i was wrong all along, maybe there is no such thing as love, its just a figment of our imagination. I turn my phone on and off praying maybe there will be a text message that i've missed, that i didn't get yet...but there never is. Maybe i need to stop lying to myself and start facing reality, you'll never feel the love i have for you, for me.

Fuck love

I'm done giving my heart to people who never want it. They NEVER want it. I'm willing to love someone with every ounce of my body, but they don't want it. Hello depression, goodbye happiness. Hello cuts and bruises, goodbye kisses and hugs. No one ever wants to love me, all that bullshit talk is starting to sound familiar. Where the "i'm good enough and the i'm beautiful" seems so true, until you don't choose me. Than i know it was a lie. People wonder why i have such a trust issue and why i never believe people, that's why. No one's ever proven themselves right. I'm sick of crying these tears of pain and desperation. It's funny, i give piles of advice to people, but i can never find someone who wants to love me. Maybe i did deserve the bad in life. Maybe that's what my love life is supposed to be, while everyone else smiles and laughs around me i'm stuck dying inside. Maybe i threw away the only love i was supposed to have away. Or maybe just maybe, i'm supposed to wander this life alone, forever. Those moments when you step into the shower and you give yourself a pep talk "You will not cry today, you're fine." but it all comes pouring down with the last word and you drop to your knees crying and begging to be taken away from this place. No one knows my pain, no one sees it. I can smile a thousand smiles, fake every laugh and join in conversation but no one would know that when i go come, i put on my saddest playlist, wear some bulky clothes so i dont have to see my disgusting body and i end up just crying myself to sleep. NO ONE knows my pain.

I love looking at this album of cuts i have, why i took pictures of them i'm not sure. I think its sorta a reminder of my pain, the blood it's a reminder i'm alive. It's funny cause people only see the scars that i went to deep and i forgot to cover it up with concealer. But they don't see the scars that i have on my heart and the scars that (luckily my skin has a lot of elasticity) have disappeared. TRIGGERED AS FUCK. 2 weeks my ass, Peace out bitches.

You're not in control...

What the fuck is this world? Honestly, who the fuck knows. We live in a world of lies, secrets and death. Angels and demons walk among us but hardly any of us see them. I think the world has different dimensions. Aliens are real, afterlife is real, and little do we know that our best friend might be some fucking humanoid. What if we could look into the eyes of someone from another world? See what our world looks like to them. What would they say? Are we crazy? Or are they crazy to us? Whats the norm? Hatred, deceit, war, murder, is a daily part of our lives. Is there something better out there? Something beyond our belief, that this life is all just a trial run. This dimension is just something fun for others to fuck around with. Like our life is a real life video game of Sims. That'd be convenient because then i'd know why i get FUCKED OVER all the damn time.

Rampage

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck,  Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck..... MY LIFE. I am so in the mood to fucking deck someone in the face and slit my wrist.

Why do you do this to me?

I'm starting to be normal and for a lack of words happy again. But i still can't get past this feeling of well loneliness and just kinda letting go. Giving up, i don't know its always in the back of my mind. Like temporary happiness. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. My heart and brain are in a constant battle, i never know which one i should listen too. There's something about love and happiness that if you ask me, everyone longs for. But, there's also this sense of pain that comes along with love and happiness, for me. Reminders, that everyone i've ever loved and everything thats ever made me happy; has let me down or pushed me away. I'm afraid of living life. Cause i know that if i have one more major heartbreak, i can't take it. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

When the moon shines i become alive...

I'm sick of chasing people to be with me or even to be my friend. I'm done trying to reach out to people, either you want to be with/be my friend or you don't. I just want to feel wanted for once in my life. I know it may not happen but i'm sick of trying to please everybody just so that i can have a friend or two. Like is too much to ask to have one guy or one friend actually fight for me? To care if i walked out that door, to come running after me. What if i'm thoroughly convinced no man will ever do that for me? Can someone please prove me wrong...

You officially have my heart....

Just cause you're breathing doesn't mean your're alive

It's funny, there were days before when i was pretty normal but i would still starve myself. But, when i'm depressed and as sad as i am right now, food and hunger disgusts me. I guess this is good for myself since i'm always criticizing how i look, a few skipped meals always helps. Is it bad when you look in the mirror and all you see are one flaw after another. When you can't look in the mirror and tell yourself truthfully that you're beautiful, and these flaws make you beautiful. All i see is a broken down, overweight, not tan enough, not pretty enough girl. The rush of not eating, it brings a sense of happiness. The only happiness i have right now. To feel skinny in hope i'll finally be good enough for someone. It will never matter how many times someone tells me i will never feel skinny and beautiful. Those days are long gone. I lost my confidence with the guy who took it. My happiness has been suppressed to relying on people to make me happy because i don't have the strength to do it on my own anymore. I'm just waiting for one more person to tell me i'm stupid, and not worth being alive. Cause i will take that as a sign and i will make there dreams come true.

boredom

The darkness overwhelms you It's like fresh layed tar, 

it will turn you black and cold but it burns your soul

You'll sit in your room for hours just staring, staring

at the blanks walls hoping someone will come rescue you 

from this monster, from yourself, from the monster inside you....

But no one ever does come

You'll deal with the pain on the outside

to try kill the pain on the inside 

but these scars will always remind you of your pain

and within minutes it'll all rush back...

the overwhelming sense of emptiness will take over you

once again, until you find yourself in a burning hole of flames

Do your thoughts scare you?

I'm falling apart. I just don't want this life again. I'd rather die than go into this depressing stage again. The stage where i don't eat, where i cut every night and my trashcan is full of bloody and tear-filled tissues. I'm broken down again, with no where to turn. No one to cry too, no one to comfort me, no one that i believe that my life is worth living. No one to tell me that the voices in my head are wrong. So yes, my thoughts scare me. The thoughts of where everything i see turns into another weapon that could cause my death. The thoughts where nothing seems worth living for. The thoughts that i'm just a nobody, a failure at life, that i'll never make anyone happy and i just fuck every single thing up.  The thoughts that tell me i'm not skinny enough, that just one more cut will take away the pain. The thoughts that maybe death with be peaceful. That i don't have a plan for this life, that maybe my death would be more impacting than if i was here, alive. Ha, alive. Alive, i'm barely breathing. I'm barely holding on. So, do your thoughts scare you?

Enough said.

http://brokenapart17.tumblr.com/

Someone please carry me through

I find myself not being, me again. I've stopped listening to my oldies, my country and my "happy album". I've reverted back to my sad and triggering music.  I hate this feeling of desperation, loneliness, and hopelessness. These feelings are something i know all to well, but they still hurt like hell. You'd think by now i'd be used to getting rejected by people i love. Used to being pushed away and used to not being good enough and not being a priority. All I've ever wanted was for someone to want me just as much as i want them, to beg me to make the decision to finally be with them, to love them unconditionally and not have to worry about whether my hearts going to shatter again. But i'm starting to believe, that'll never happen and that i ask to much. That asking to be loved, is asking too much. That'll i'll never be worth it again. That no man will ever whisper in my ear how much he loves me. This is too much for me, i think my hearts broken for the last time...

I was naive and never really had a chance

I can honestly feel my heart grow cold again, i can feel myself slip away. Wanting to do anything to take away the pain. I can feel my heart breaking into the old, sharp pieces that were once restored. My life is a lie. I smile for the ones around me but all i want to do is break down and cry every second of the day. I can tell i'm not caring about my schoolwork anymore, i'm not caring about how i'm reacting to people, im letting my anger and my depression get the best of me. I'm sick of always being let down, i'm sick of getting this pile of hope filling and filling up and it all spills out into a black abyss instead of someone finally telling me its true this hope is finally fulfilling itself. I'm hopeless. No one can love me. I fuck everything good in my life up. Everything is my fault. I don't want to be me. I don't want to keep living a lie anymore. It's not normal to cry everyday of your life. No one can save me, i'm not the fortunate one. I just want to tear apart every visible piece of my flesh, im sick of being strong and brave for everyone around me. I want to cave in, i want to give up. I have no one. And no one needs me, so why should i try to be here any longer?